Shatner's Toupee

2012: the year of the Toupee Spring?

2012-01-22T11:37:00.005+01:00

Could 2012 turn out to be the year of the Toupee Spring? A recent interview with Roger Perry, who played Captain Christopher in the first season Star Trek episode "Tomorrow is Yesterday" suggests that it may well be.

First, what exactly do we mean by Toupee Spring? The "Spring" that has been dominating headlines since last year is obviously the Arab Spring. One of the interesting and pertinent dynamics in those events is seeing the fall of a firmly established, yet rather warped, set of prejudices and black-and-white assumptions. The desperate and deluded dictatorial regimes have tried their best to suggest that you're either with them or you are with potential terrorists, rats, drug-dealing gangs, foreign agents etc.

Similarly, what we may be witnessing in 2012 is a significant weakening of the "Takei effect" - meaning that numerous figures who have crucial knowledge of the toupee and have yet to add this to the official record are beginning to no longer fear that discussion of the toupee equates to hating Bill Shatner or wanting to publically hurt or belittle him, as many believe George Takei did at the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner (assuming the mantle from Trek co-star James Doohan: "Bill's hairpiece was being applied. The top of his head was a lot of skin and a few little odd tufts of hair. The mirrors in the makeup room walls were arranged so that we could all see the laying on of his rug").

The events of 08/20/06 led to many toupologists being unfairly compared to George Takei.

In this post-Toupee Spring world, to want to talk about the toupee does not automatically make you a George Takei-like Bill Shatner hater with "a scary glint" in your eyes.

Of course, several figures have in the past already discussed their first-hand experiences with Bill Shatner's toupee in a factual, non-Takei-like manner, for example Star Trek guest star William Campbell. While others have sought to create a friendly climate in which the toupee can openly and even comedically be referenced. But somehow these efforts were always, and rather unfortunately, overshadowed by those who sought to use a warped version of toupology to pursue an extremist agenda, for example attempting an ambush on Bill Shatner. Those events would invariably be the ones making headlines, and, as a result, other figures with crucial knowledge of the toupee would choose silence out of a fear of also being labelled as toupological extremists.

Thus, the Perry comments perhaps represent a significant evolution.

Roger Perry today (left).

Here's the crucial segment in the actor's recent interview with StarTrek.com:

Q: What do you remember of the ["Tomorrow is Yesterday"] shoot? Any great anecdote that people may not know?

Perry: The unusual thing, but I have to say this because I remember it… The very first day going into makeup I was in the makeup room and (William) Shatner was a couple of chairs down. I remember looking over and I was very shocked because they were putting his toupee on. I said, “Wait a minute. He’s a young man.” At that time he was very young and I thought, “Well, that’s interesting.” I didn’t know at that time whether they were doing it because of the character. Then I heard later on that he’d been wearing a toupee for a long, long time.

Painting glue over the lace line (more here).

It's a common gripe at journalism that interviewers frequently fail to ask decent follow-up questions of their subjects, and here too, sadly, the subject switches to something new with the next question (perhaps the old fears were present in the interviewer). What was the toupee like? What about the details of the application process? How did Bill Shatner act during the application? Was he a different person with the toupee on than off? What did he look like without it? So many important questions left unanswered...

Nonetheless, the fact that Roger Perry volunteered to tell this anecdote without specifically being asked is a highly welcome development. If 2012 is indeed to be the year of the Toupee Spring, then this interview may be remembered as a watershed moment.

Are there images of a toup-less Bill Shatner locked in a vault somewhere?

Our thanks to several of you for emailing us the tip!

We're back!

2012-01-14T12:12:00.006+01:00

Famous statue outside Archive Building 1A of the William Shatner School of Toupological Studies.

We're back after our brief break and hope that our readers too enjoyed a rest from the eternally challenging, but hopefully boundlessly rewarding subject of William Shatner's toupee-wearing! But now a new year is upon us and, as Captain Kirk once said: "There's still so much of their work to be done in the galaxy..."

First, our latest poll in which we asked our readers for your take on the question of why Bill Shatner chose to make another very explicit hair reference in his newest book Shatner Rules.

16% said that it was another small step towards the actor admitting that his hair isn't real; 29% said that mentioning it would make people believe that Bill Shatner is not hiding anything and that his hair is real; 53%, a majority, suggested that it was a clever nod to those in the know, while hoping that others wouldn't really notice. In political parlance, was Bill Shatner firing up his base?

Thanks for voting!

Next, we turn to a newly discovered "Real Hair Reflex" from a parody of the movie Se7en (1995). The short clip was made for the 1996 MTV movie awards and has Bill Shatner playing all the main roles in character as T.J. Hooker, the host of Rescue 911 and a sort-of out-of-costume Captain Kirk:

"Who are you? Who are you really?" asks Kirk perhaps hinting at the interesting duality (or triality) that presents itself in Bill Shatner's wearing of a toupee.

"What do you mean? I am the host of the hit series Rescue 911," responds the prisoner at the back of the car.

But the other Shatner, T.J. Hooker, evidently better understands the subtext and undertakes a rather prolonged scratch of the rear of the toupee. Is it conscious or subconscious that hearing the question "Who are you really?" causes this Pavlovian response?

Here's the moment in slow-motion:

Finally, there's also a fourth Bill Shatner, the one in the box (so as to not spoil the movie for those of you that haven't seen Se7en, we'll leave it at that). Interestingly, we see the "TJ Curly" modified here somewhat with the hair combed down at the front.

It's almost mop-top-like in a way...

A shame that Bill Shatner didn't more fully try this style with the "TJ Curly".

And finally (there's more still that you've very kindly sent us in terms of tips, which we'll get to in our next post) an interesting picture tweeted to us by a reader (yes, we're on Twitter!) of a whale interacting with Bill Shatner.

Whale to Bill Shatner: "Where I come from, size, shape, or color makes no difference, and nobody has hair..."

Looking at the picture, you may be asking yourselves this question. Is the whale part of an underwater Shatner toupee community and is it trying to get some close-up proof? Or is it confused by sensing a fellow smooth-skinned brethren but then seeing a full head of hair?

There's a funny caption contest in there too, we feel, so any ideas, please let us know in the comments section...

The Toupee Nightmare Before Christmas.

2011-12-24T07:18:00.007+01:00

This time last year, we brought you a festive story in the run-up to Christmas called "The Parable of the Toupee". So we thought we'd keep the tradition going and bring you another fictional tale for this festive season, albeit one that is a little bit more gross than the last one! Enjoy...

The Toupee Nightmare Before Christmas

“Mr Shatner?”

“Yes...?” answered the voice on the other end of the line, rather tentatively waiting for whatever pitch was coming next.

“Thank God. My name is Doctor Stan Browner. I work at the Army Institute of Advanced Scientific Research in Nevada. Thank you so much for agreeing to take this call.” Browner’s people had begun the search for Bill Shatner several hours earlier by tracking down his agent and explaining to him who they were. For verification purposes, they gave the agent a number to call back, along with a link to a government web address to check that number against. This really was no hoax. They really were who they said they were and that is exactly what the agent had told his illustrious client moments beforehand.

“Yes, my agent told me you’d call. Listen, if it’s some kind of offer - voice-over or that kind of thing, I’d be happy to do that, but it’s probably better to talk to my assist-”

The voice on the other end of the line jumped in. “Thank you, Mr. Shatner...it’s not that. It’s something else entirely. I’ll get straight to the point: we need your help.” Browner’s manner was dead serious, as if the entire world needed Shatner for some reason or another. For his part, the actor couldn’t quite fathom why he would be part of anything so serious-sounding. He laughed back at the scientist.

“Listen, that Star Trek stuff, you know it was only a role, right?”

But Browner didn’t miss a beat. “A jet is being dispatched to Los Angeles as we speak, Mr. Shatner. A car will come to pick you up at your house and take you to the airport at 1300 Pacific Time. Please be ready.”

“Uumm...” murmured Bill Shatner not quite sure what to say.

“And please believe us, this really is a matter of the utmost importance. We do not make this request lightly. I’m afraid I cannot discuss the details over the telephone and I must also ask that you not discuss this matter with anyone else. You will just have to trust us for now. I will see you later today. Thank you once again.”

“Alright. Thank you,” replied Bill Shatner to the sound of the line going dead. He was stunned, yet somehow still couldn’t shake the seeming ridiculous nature of it all. If this was some kind of gag - maybe old pal Nimoy in revenge for that time he stole his bicycle - then it was evidently planned to perfection.

What could he do but go along...

At 1259, Bill Shatner stepped out onto his driveway. Whatever this gag was, surely it would reveal itself any second now - or nothing would happen at all and he could go back to spending this, the last working day before Christmas, working on the routine for his upcoming live tour. Moments later, an armored black limousine pulled up, windows tinted, all very, very serious looking. Two agents wearing sunglasses - like he was the President or something - stepped out, straightened their jackets, opened the rear door and then proceeded to just stand there waiting almost motionless. They didn’t need to signal or beckon their presumptive passenger - that wasn’t their style.

Now truly mystified, Bill Shatner walked down and climbed into the rear seat of the car. He was too frightened to even attempt to say hello to either of the goons. His wife, Liz, to whom he had told everything (despite the warning from the doctor) stepped out from behind a bush up in the driveway where she had been hiding just as the armored car made a hasty exit. She waved at the blackened window where she thought her husband was sitting. Had he seen her wave? Did or could such a fleeting gesture of affection fill her husband with even one extra ounce of strength for the hours ahead? She had no idea.

The car journey was almost entirely silent. Only once did one of the goons sitting upfront turn and ask the entirely perfunctory question: “Comfortable back there?”

“Uhh, fine,” Bill Shatner replied - obviously he wasn’t. A couple of times during the ride, the actor thought of trying to crack a joke to break the ice, but ultimately gave in to the prevailing weighty atmosphere and remained silent.

At LAX airport, the limo was whisked through the VIP section of security and the small unmarked jet took off at exactly 1330. The actor also spent the flight in silence, staring out of the window wondering how on earth could he, a Canadian actor from Montreal, possibly be of any use in some top-secret matter of US national security? As he adjusted in his seat, he reached into his pocket - a purely instinctive act of seeking the security of a text message or a voice-mail or some form of communication from anyone near and dear. But his cellphone was no longer in his pocket or anywhere else that he could see. The actor looked up towards one of the goons who simply shook his head.

An hour into the flight, Bill Shatner was handed a blindfold. “Would you please put this on, sir?”

“Look, can someone please tell me what this is all about?”

The agent remained characteristically stoic. “Everything will be explained to you when we arrive. Please put on the blindfold now, sir.” There was something in the way the guy said the word "now" that projected an unmistakable sense of "don't f--k with me." Tempted as Bill Shatner was to attempt some kind of James T. Kirk-style double-belly-punch and neck chop and try to get the hell out of there, he decided that it was best to comply. The blindfold went on, while another even more intimidating agent moved to sit next to him for the remaining thirty minutes of the flight.

The plane landed and Bill Shatner was permitted a brief bathroom break in a windowless room before being led to a car and another journey, presumably through the Nevada desert of about two more hours. Deprived of sight, the actor tried to attune his ears to gain any possible clues, but few were forthcoming: lots and lots of driving and turning down desert roads, then a helicopter flying overhead followed by the sound of a gate of some kind opening, then onto a smooth tarmac road, security checks, and finally a garage door opening. The car drove in and darkness...

At that point, the agent next to him pulled off Bill Shatner’s blindfold. The car came to a halt. They were inside an underground car park.

“This way, sir,” said one of the agents, pointing the way. Bill Shatner rubbed his eyes trying to acclimatise himself to being able to see again. Off they went. Through a door. Into an elevator. Down a corridor and then into a large, busy laboratory.

“Mr Shatner!” intoned an older man in a white coat, approaching the actor. The goons were suddenly nowhere to be seen. “My name is Stan Browner. We spoke on the phone. Can I get you something? Coffee? Something to eat?"

"No, thank you," said Bill Shatner, shaking the doctor's hand. "Would you mind telling me what this is about? I've been racking my brain for hours trying to figure out what the likes of you people could possibly need from me."

"Everything will be explained," replied the doctor politely but still no less cryptically.

A young woman came up behind Bill Shatner and handed him some greens - medical overalls. Looking around, it was evident that everyone in the lab was either wearing greens or lab coats. There must have been about a hundred people around, though it was difficult to say for sure, as the large lab, as big as a hangar, was subdivided with endless partitions as far as the eye could see. "Would you please change into these," the woman said, pointing to a door in one corner of the lab. The actor once again did as he was told, emerging moments later looking like he was about to go into surgery.

"This way," said the doctor, moving onwards into the heart of the laboratory. Bill Shatner walked on just behind the group - a team of about five people had now coalesced around Dr. Browner, typical-looking scientists types; one was even holding a clipboard, while another was wearing half-rimmed glasses on his nose. A multitude of partially assembled scientific instruments and plugged in monitors were on display left, right and center. Scientists were hovering around, calibrating this, monitoring that. As the team passed an outer door to the lab, Bill Shatner glimpsed what he was sure was an armed soldier guarding an entrance into this top-secret place.

The group turned a corner into one of the partitioned rooms. In front of them was a large isolation chamber, separated from the rest of the room by a thick glass window. The sound of beeping - unmistakably that of a heart pulse monitor - was now clearly audible. The doctor broke from the group and stepped right up to the glass. He then turned and waved the nervous Canadian actor to join him. Bill Shatner came forward and joined Browner in looking on through to to the other side of the glass partition. "Oh, my God!" he exclaimed.

Something in that room was hooked up to all sorts of monitors and feeding tubes and was being kept alive by this incubation chamber. The actor recoiled before the image of what was in there properly registered in his mind. "Have a closer look, Mr. Shatner," said the doctor, leaning right up to the glass. "A real close look."

Bill Shatner turned slowly back round, now feeling queasy and shaken. But his perceptions of all that was going on around him suddenly swung around one-hundred and eighty degrees: this must all be some sort of joke, after all! "It's one of those Tribbles," he sighed before smiling at the group. But everyone around remained dead serious. "You know, from Star Trek! Great joke, guys. Where are the hidden cameras?" Still no reaction. What Bill Shatner had seen certainly looked rather like those furry fictional creatures from Star Trek. A ball of hair of some kind, pulsating, breathing, kept alive in a laboratory. "What the hell is going on guys?" Bill Shatner couldn't square everyone's stone-faced expressions with the apparent silliness of what he was sure was playing out around him. "What is it, some animal or something?"

Doctor Browner stepped forward. "Mr. Shatner...may I call you Will?" No-one called Bill Shatner "Will," but nor did the actor ever like to correct people about such things.

"Sure," he answered.

"You're going to need to sit down, Will," the doctor told the now once again perplexed actor, "...so I can tell you the whole story behind that...that thing."

"Thing?" Bill Shatner asked, sitting down on a nearby chair, his back now turned to the incubator. He felt like he was at some kind of interrogation with the small group of scientists remaining standing above him.

Browner began to slowly relate a story that begun a little over eighteen years ago. Since then, it had remained very a closely-guarded secret: Back in 1993, a heavily-pregnant woman turned up at this place, the top-secret Army Institute of Advanced Scientific Research deep inside the Nevada desert. The security cameras spotted her banging on the thin metal outer fence of the institute and it wasn’t long before a pair of security guards were on the scene.

“Ma’am, can we help you? This is a restricted area,” said one of the typically stone-faced guards through the fence.

“You have to help me. It’s coming!” She pointed down to her unmistakably pregnant belly. The guards looked around beyond the woman: miles of empty desert. Rather curiously, her footsteps could be traced back in a direct line right into the sea of sand and brush behind her.

“How did you get here? Where’s your vehicle?” asked the second security guard, a young woman, and no less stern-seeming than her colleague.

“There’s no car,” the woman moaned, resting against the fence and starting to breathe deeply. “It’s coming!”

The male security guard pulled out his walkie-talkie, turned away and began to relay to someone inside what was going on. Why on earth would a pregnant woman turn up here of all places? There was no way you could get here by accident; the nearest civilization was more than a hundred miles away. It was either a real humanitarian situation or it was highly suspicious. The Institute had no choice but to treat is as both. They couldn’t risk letting a pregnant woman die, but neither could they risk this being some kind of plot - what if there was a bomb hidden under than dress instead of a baby?

A gurney finally was wheeled out and the woman was hastily admitted inside. Two precautions were taken: firstly, the woman was briefly blindfolded until inside the complex’s medical facility, and secondly, she was gently patted down to make sure she really was pregnant. Everything checked out. But no ID. No wallet. Nothing. A doctor soon pronounced the obvious - that the woman was in labor - but something wasn’t right. As he pressed against the woman’s stomach, he look puzzled. A scanner was prepped and a sonogram performed. The doctor turned white. “Oh my God.”

An hour later, the woman gave birth to what at first appeared to be a severely deformed baby. It had no arms, no legs, no eyes, no mouth - it was just a ball of hair. It didn’t even seem human. The multitude of tests that ensued detected clear signs of life, including a pulse and neurological activity, but the entire structure of the infant creature appeared foreign, alien even. Nothing human could be this deformed and yet survive, argued the scientists at the lab. Which brought everything back to the question of this woman again - who was she?

But after giving birth, the woman fell into a coma. Overnight, the Institute battled to save two lives. One, that of a human woman and the other, unknown. The result of that night didn't go as one might have predicted. By morning, the mysterious woman had the lost the fight for her life. But her child was stable. It was responding to a standard drip and increased oxygen levels pumped into the air in a hastily created incubation room.

"This is unbelievable," said Bill Shatner, now truly aghast.

"There's more," said the doctor. He then explained about the footsteps of the woman - how they seemed to disappear into the desert. A mile beyond, the scientists later found some strange circular imprints in the sand. What did it mean? No-one knew. And there were also the DNA tests conducted on the creature. Inconclusive. One thing was clear though: its profile was barely human at best; the breakdown of its DNA showed some human traits, but not enough for a conclusive identification.

"It's been in that chamber now for eighteen years, growing slowly. It consumes. It grows a little. That's it. Its responses to stimulus have been minimal. And efforts at communication have produced no results." The doctor paused, his frustration and sense of disappointment evident for anyone to see or sense. He rubbed his eyes and sighed before recomposing himself.

"What about the woman?" asked Bill Shatner.

"Never identified. So you see, we really have no idea what we're dealing with."

"I'm assuming this has all remained secret." The group nodded. "I suppose you know what my next question has to be."

"Why you?" the doctor asked rhetorically. Bill Shatner nodded back.

Browner began pacing back and forth across the room. "In the last few months, its life-signs have been consistently weakening. Food intake is down, respiration slower, growth non-existent. Responses to stimulus even lower than normal." The doctor stepped right up to the glass again before turning dramatically to the actor before him. "In short: it's dying."

Bill Shatner shook his head. "That's terrible. But I still don't understand. Look, I'd love to help in any way I can, but I just don't see what I can do."

The doctor turned to the group in the room and gestured for them to leave. Only he and the young female scientist now remained with the actor. Browner sat on a table facing Bill Shatner and looked him right in the eye. He began to talk slowly and with a growing sense of awkwardness. "We've been thinking that maybe the key is that it needs somehow to fuse, to meld with a properly developed human. We've tried all kinds of things to that effect, but still nothing." He took a long, deep breath. "And then we had an idea. Your...your scalp. It's been bald for more than fifty years. And over the same time, it's developed an almost symbiotic relationship with your toupees."

Instinctively, Bill Shatner cut the doctor off. "But I don't wear a hairpiece..."

The doctor patted Bill Shatner on the shoulder, seeking to project authority while also calming his nervous subject. "It's alright, Will."

"Bill! My name is Bill! Call me Bill!"

"Alright. Bill. It's alright. We know. We know everything. Our team here thinks that there's a small chance that your scalp may be the ideal environment for this creature. That your decades of toupee-wearing may have somehow altered the cells on your head and that they may, just may be receptive to this hairy creature." The doctor sighed again.

The woman scientist, who had hitherto barely uttered a word since Bill Shatner first entered the lab, stepped forward. "Mr...Bill," she corrected herself. "It may be a one in a million chance, but it's all we have. We've tried everything else. Can you help us?"

"She's right." echoed the doctor, underscoring the point made by his colleague.

Bill Shatner stood up and looked directly at the creature behind the glass. After a few moments, his head slumped. The two scientists, eager to not intrude on the actor's personal space at this moment, looked on from behind. What would he do or say next? The passage of time seemed to slow down to a painful crawl; suddenly, the screeching ticking of an overhead clock felt deafeningly loud in the midst of this thick, tense atmosphere. He was thinking, maybe suffering. Neither of the two scientists could really hope to truly understand the apparent storm raging inside Bill Shatner's mind over the monumental request they had just made.

Then, Bill Shatner turned back round to the pair of scientists and looked at them with a heavy heart. "What must I do?" he whispered, a tear rolling down one cheek.

Browner darted towards the actor and shook his hand firmly, beaming with delight and approval. "You must allow us to put that creature on your bald head."

It took more than an hour to brief and prepare Bill Shatner for the procedure they had in mind. All but the most essential personnel were cleared from this part of the lab and the actor was finally taken inside the incubator chamber, where at last he was face to face with the hairy life-form.

Standing over this living wad of hair, this unknown thing, Bill Shatner was filled with both awe and dread. He reached out and touched it - it felt like human hair, thick and resplendent. There was an irony here, the actor thought to himself: "I'm a real human being, but my hair is not real, while this thing has real hair but no-one knows if the rest of it is really human." He decided not to make that point out loud; that level of comfort about this subject and with these people he did not yet have.

The final instrument adjustments and calibrations were made and everything was ready. The big moment had arrived. Bill Shatner reached up to his head, found a way to bring his fingers under the membrane of his toupee and then began to slowly pull. Centimeter by centimeter, an area of skin was revealed that had probably been seen by fewer people than knew of the secret base they were now inside. Browner and his female colleague, Dr. Saunders, looked on in awe, though they tried as hard as they could to remain as stone-faced as possible, for fear of intruding on the moment with extraneous emotions. But they were scientists after all. Their passion was knowledge and discovery. And they couldn't help but feel fired up to see what so few had ever seen. Twelve men had walked on the moon between 1969 and 1972. How many had seen Bill Shatner without his toupee?

Phase one was done. The toupee was now fully removed and save for three tufts of hair - one at the back and two forming the contours of a pair of sideburns -Bill Shatner now stood inside the chamber completely bald. He placed his toupee down and immediately picked up the creature and gently placed it on his head, making sure not to disconnect the many tubes and wires that remained connected to it.

Browner and Saunders began to feverishly monitor the data coming from the sensors attached to the creature. Pulse: still way down. Blood pressure: falling. Internal temperature: also falling. As the actor stood there like one of those African women who balance huge containers on their head, the two scientists began to frantically communicate with their support teams processing the data in rooms all across this facility.

After a few moments, there was already only one possible conclusion: it wasn't working. The creature was still dying. Bill Shatner stood there for a few minutes longer, grinning slightly at the hope that his outwardly absurd act was reviving a possible alien. But it wasn't long before he read the faces of the two doctors on the other side of the glass. "Is anything happening?"

Dr. Browner shook his head. A moment later he signaled that Bill Shatner could take the creature off. "Maybe it needs more time," he responded. But the doctor didn't believe that it would make any difference. "Alright then...well, we tried. I'm sorry it didn't work." Bill Shatner took the creature down off his head and, feeling deflated, placed it back on the long metal table that had been its home for almost two decades. There was nothing else left to say. A depressed, deflated silence filled the room.

The despair was suddenly broken by the unmistakable sound of a slight shuffle, and then another and then another. This was followed by a scratch and a ruffle and a shake and finally increasing waves of rhythmic vibrating. Faster and faster. More and more intense. A slight, barely audible squeak followed and then a grumble and then a sigh. And then the very slight sound of breathing.

Bill Shatner looked down; the two scientists rushed inside. The eyes of all three widened so much it looked like they might fall out of their sockets. "I don't believe it!" exclaimed Browner.

"Incredible!" added Saunders. Bill Shatner shook his head in disbelief and amazement. A communication came through over the intercom. Life-signs had shot up. The creature was really alive again!

"What do you think happened?" asked Browner. The creature had moved all by itself towards something Bill Shatner had left next to it on the table: his toupee. And it was this that had sparked a resurgence in the life-force of this creature.

Bill Shatner grinned knowingly. "What do you think happened?" The pair of scientists looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. They had no idea. The actor's grin grew cheeky and he flashed a smile at Dr. Saunders. "Over eighteen years on this earth? That particular time? Adulthood? Certain changes? Think about it." The pair thought and then suddenly it dawned on them. Saunders grinned and blushed. Bill Shatner picked up his somewhat sticky toupee and put it back on his head; it was slightly moist, but soon dried up and attached to his head in a more-secure-than-ever manner. "This is the best toupee glue I've ever known," he exclaimed.

They had done it. A cheer erupted across the lab, with the joy and relief reverberating through this place so perfectly fitting the Holiday season. Someone handed Bill Shatner his cellphone. "It's your wife."

The actor mouthed a "Can I tell her?" to the scientists around him. Dr. Browner stepped forward and nodded in a manner that suggested that Bill Shatner was permitted to tell his wife and no-one else. "Honey, you're not going to believe what I've just been involved in."

So what happened next? And who was that woman from the desert? Was she an alien or was she impregnated by one? Did the creature survive and prosper? Did it perhaps leave to return to its home planet? Did it stay and learn to communicate? So many questions. So much to leave to the imagination...

-THE END-

Happy Holidays to all our readers from the entire staff of The William Shatner School of Toupological Studies and thanks, as always, for your continued visits, comments, tips and interest in Shatner's Toupee. We're taking a brief break and will be back in mid-January. Till then, here's wishing you all a Happy New Year!

Poll result: TMP meets JKL.

2011-12-18T11:37:00.009+01:00

Our most recent poll asked for your thoughts on what might have been the correct toupee choice for Bill Shatner in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. 5% suggested that the "TJ Curly" he wore should have been styled more curly like in the other movies; 13% said the toupee he wore, the "TJ Curly" patty, was the correct choice; 16% said the lesser-known 1970s light side-parted toupee, while 63% wanted the old "Jim Kirk lace".

Thanks for voting!

A while back, we used our proprietary program Touposhop to create an imag e of contemporary Bill Shatner with Jim Kirk hair. The results were pretty amazing:

But, try as we might, efforts to use Touposhop to give ST:TMP Kirk a "JKL" were just nowhere near as satisfactory. First, we used Jack Klugman's Quincy to create an updated template, but the result seemed strangely thick and almost "Lost Years-like".

So we went back to 60s Jim Kirk himself for a toupological template, but still no real "wow" moment:

For some reason, Bill Shatner just looked different in 1979. Some of you have suggested he had an eye-lift of some kind. It's possible, especially when compared to images from just a couple of years earlier, when the old Kirk is still definitely "there".

Or maybe it was the crash diet the actor went on prior to shooting the movie. Anyway, if any of our readers manage to create a satisfying ST:TMP-JKL composite, please send it to us and we'll post the best ones! We'll have a new festive story for you in the run-up to Christmas!

UPDATE: A Touposhop TMP-JKL from reader "James Toupeerius Kirk":

UPDATE II: And this just in from reader Adam:

Any more, please send them in. Thanks! -ST

UPDATE III: Reader Heidi took ""James Toupeerius Kirk's" Touposhop and Touposhopped it even further!

Shoot or Be Shot - a toupological analysis.

2011-12-11T18:12:00.004+01:00

Shoot or Be Shot is a pretty obscure low-budget 2002 movie starring William Shatner alongside a host of lesser-known actors including Harry Hamlin and Scott Rinker. The film was co-written and directed by the similarly lesser-known J. Randall Argue. Despite attempts to generate publicity at the time of its limited theatrical release, the movie soon disappeared almost without a trace.

Harvey Wilkes (Shatner) has spent his whole professional life writing technical manuals. But what he really dreams of is becoming a screenwriter.

The problem is, he is in a mental institution and his parole board doesn't share Wilkes' enthusiasm for his new-found calling. So Wilkes escapes, with a screenplay he has written in hand. Someone will help him make his movie!

Meanwhile, a bunch of LA movie-making wannabes are also struggling to find success. Specifically, producer Jack Yeager (Hamlin), actress Heidi (Julianne Christie), director Ben Steinman (Rinker) and several other characters.

Heidi.

When Yeager's assistant/cleaning-lady berates the producer for making nothing but shallow and titillating action movies, an epiphany ensues. A new film will be made - one more risky and artistic.

And this will be no ordinary endeavor. There will be no script and instead, it will be filmed utilizing the "aleatoric" technique - meaning, whatever happens, happens.

So off to the (cheap) desert they go to film (with Heidi disguised as an Irish actress to avoid being recognized by Yeager, her ex-boyfriend).

But it isn't long before Wilkes shows up and, at gunpoint, forces the cast and crew to make his film instead! Mayhem ensues!!!

And that's where we'll leave the plot.

So, what to make of all this? There's really only one way to describe this movie: thoroughly and completely mediocre. The writing, acting, directing, musical scoring - all are decidedly average and no more. It's as if the makers of Shoot or Be Shot calculated that the safest possible mainstream road, namely one of risk-free mediocrity, was the one that leads most directly to potential box-office gold. Ooops. Didn't work out that way. Not one bit.

There's nothing egregiously wrong with any of the core components of this movie (this isn't some film-school project that only the film-makers seem to understand, nor is it technically flawed), but there just isn't anything spectacularly right or interesting about it either.

It's all frustratingly average. For example, the acting isn't poor, but neither do any of the casting choices scream anything other than ordinary. The actors, mostly bland-seeming twenty-thirtysomethings, come across as actors; the characters they inhabit remain... guess what word we feel compelled to overuse? - mediocre!

It's all just stuff that happens, with director J. Randal Argue failing abysmally to make us in any way care about any of it.

Even Bill Shatner's performance is pretty you-know-what. He underplays the role (though not in a cold, clinical way, just in an average way), which means that his character lacks anything like the sort of multi-dimensional, over-caffeinated insanity found in roles like 1973's Impulse. Evidently that's what the director wanted, and the result is pretty you-know-what.

But the main problems lie with the decidedly average script. Most frustrating is that there in no real depth to Bill Shatner's insanity. He's just insane and that's it. The one fascinating clue the audience may have had to work with, the character's script, is something - and this is almost criminal - we never actually get to see. Indeed, it isn't until halfway through the movie that the onscreen filmmakers begin their shoot. And it isn't until almost the end of the movie that the filming of Wilkes' script begins. And even then, the audience ends up being deprived of watching the performers act out whatever this escaped mental patient has put on paper.

Shouldn't that be the focal point of the movie? Wouldn't that be fun to see? Well, not in this film, unfortunately. A gunfight takes place before the audience is able to gain this potentially valuable and entertaining insight into the character.

The one single potentially truly funny and interesting moment in the movie perfectly illustrates the filmmakers' repeatedly bland judgement. Wilkes has found a seemingly dead woman on the road. Will he rape a corpse?

The comedic timing is way off and the moment is truncated rather than extended for laughs. Which leads inevitably to the question: how the hell can you have a low budget movie and take fewer risks than with a $100 million movie? Truly bizarre. It's like a video version of Seeking Major Tom!

Instead of laughs, the script is stuffed full of rather inappropriate, self-referential and self-conscious "film-schooly" references to narrative structure and the like. Who cares! Even the opening credits have that banal I-want-to-be-Tarantino look to them:

There's a review of this movie on Quipster.com where it's misstated that Shoot or Be Shot was recorded on video. Not so. This is a proper feature film, shot on celluloid, with a decent sized crew and everything. But given the lack of creativity on display, you'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

Where the fourth wall really comes crashing down to the point of treating the audience like a bunch of dummies is in the fictional movie being shot on screen. Cheap video cameras, well away from their subjects, no microphones, no re-takes. Yet somehow at the end, they've managed to create a successful, properly produced and edited movie (multiple angles, multiple takes, clear sound, slow-motion). It makes no f*#@ing sense...

...in fact, since the movie-makers evidently couldn't be bothered to introduce even the barest sense of internal of logic into this important aspect of movie, it's time to stop being bothered to continue with this review. There is no genial highly clever "Hah, that's the point" going on here; no witty playing around with audience expectations or anything like that. Just tedium...

Watch Steve Martin's last classic film Bowfinger instead: similar idea, far, far better execution (or this move).

Now, let's move swiftly to the hair...

One of the most striking things about watching Shoot or Be Shot in 2011 is the realization that the "Denny Katz" toupee has now been with us for more than a decade. The toup hasn't changed much and, bar some shortening and rounding, nor has Bill Shatner!

As for moments of toupological interest (MTI), there are a few. As Wilkes' character heads into the desert, we get an interesting, almost regal silhouette of the toupee:

And later on, as Wilkes forces the crew to ride onwards into the night in their caravan, a fight breaks out between him and young director Ben. Not only do we get an interesting shot of the sides of the temple (where the toup extends down)...

...but also we learn that Wilkes has developed a disdain for Ben's minimalistic levels of facial hair, telling Heidi (whose former relationship with Jack has been exposed; current boyfriend Ben is not happy) "You know, if I were Mister Look-at-my-cool-bohemian-hair-lip - and thank God I'm not - I'd have trouble forgiving you..."

Later on, as Ben takes on the hijacker, Wilkes grabs him by the hair...

...and soon after orders him to "shave off the hair lip!"

Here's the video of these two moments:

So did Bill Shatner request these moments in order to add spice to the movie or to add another piece to that life-long toupological puzzle that is "The Shatner Code"? Or did the producers ask him? Did they know? Was it an accident? At least this hair issue on the part of Wilkes gives the character some subtext, but the toupee can only go so far in saving a movie like this...

Shoot or Be Shot is available on DVD. A thoroughly neutral experience.

"All I know is my gut says maybe."

Bill & Carrie & Leonard & Charlie.

2011-12-07T10:58:00.007+01:00

Our previous post examined Bill Shatner's new-found liberation in using the word "hair". It appears that this abandon has now extended to the current and ongoing lighthearted "feud" (also see this vid) between the actor and actress Carrie Fisher over which franchise, Star Trek or Star Wars, was better.

Amidst the banter, Leonard Nimoy, alias Mr Spock, interjected and posted a tweet on his Twitter page arguing that: "Carrie Fisher says her hair buns in Star Wars are better than Spock['s] ears. I don't agree. Her hair can't hear. LLAP".

Interestingly, Bill Shatner then re-tweeted his former co-star's tweet on his own Twitter page before responding: "@TheRealNimoy I don't know about her hair buns but @CarrieFFisher's buns are better than Spock's ears. And they can hear better. MBB"

Clearly, Bill Shatner is a man who lies to take risks as he's skating on very thin lace here: Spock's ears, Leia's hair (we believe this iconic hairstyle was Fisher's own bunched hair at the very center of the buns, while the surrounding "donut ring" was likely a hair appliance) - does Bill Shatner really want to go there? Or is he cleverly veering away by shifting attention to Leia's other buns?

Apparently both Nimoy and Fisher are fully aware of the rules of the game and aren't about to take any obvious digs. Nimoy's ears, Fisher's hair buns or other buns - check, but Bill Shatner's hair becoming a part of this conversation, even though he's mentioned hair himself on Twitter, even though he once told George Lucas he was envious of his locks, even considering what he wrote in Shatner Rules - ain't gonna happen.

There are rules...

"There are a million things in this universe you can have and a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but that's the way things are," Captain Kirk once said in the Star Trek episode "Charlie X". There are rules.

Thus, as tempted as Nimoy might be to joke to Shatner and Fisher: "Cinnamon buns or thick locks, at least I never claimed my ears were real! " or Fisher might be tempted to joke: "Bill, you're the odd one out, at least Leonard and I took our appliances off!" it just isn't likely to happen in a public forum.

It's clearly a sensitive subject, and if you wanna be Bill's pal, then roast and jest but let him and only him talk about his hair, or else...

Shatner Rules: an acoustical analysis.

2011-11-28T08:30:00.010+01:00

As many of you will know, the William Shatner School of Toupological Studies houses some of the most advanced technology in the world, all designed provide humanity with the best possible insight into and analysis of William Shatner's toupee-wearing. Our most recent effort involves using state-of-the-art acoustic instrumentation on the audiobook version of Bill Shatner's latest tome Shatner Rules.

A toupular quantum resonance model.

Not long ago, we were delighted to report a rather direct hair reference by the author in said book.

That example, plus several others, form the core of the following report:

In one experiment, we amplified the sound of Bill Shatner saying the word "hair" to 194 decibels.

During the introduction of Shatner Rules, the author offers a perhaps crucial clue, "Bill is a slightly different guy from Shatner ... sometimes Shatner relaxes into Bill. Even Shatner can't keep up the Shatner all the time." Is this a subtle acknowledgement of the duality of wearing a toupee? Does the bald Bill Shatner become William Shatner by putting on his toupee in a Clark Kent/Superman sort of way?

Bill versus William? (Superman III)

A little while later, the actor jokingly describes actor Jason Alexander as a "bald, fat, has-been". Considering that Has Been was the name of Bill Shatner's 2004 album, is this code?

In Chapter 1, Bill Shatner illustrates his "always say yes" (is "yes" a coded response to the above or/as well as an answer to the final sentence of his previous autobiography?) rule by explaining how in 2006 he overcame reservations and agreed to partake in the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner.

"If I spent more of my life saying 'no,' this autobiographical volume would be a slim one, indeed. But enough of the touchy feely stuff, let’s talk about . . . my scrotum. And my weight. And my hair. And my acting. And my weight. And my hair. Did I mention my acting?"

Here's the audio clip:

The roast continues and Bill Shatner, noting the hair jokes that flew his way during the show, notes:

"After a while all I could hear was 'Hair.' 'Acting.' 'Weight.' 'Singing.' 'Scrotum.' "

The audio:

A little while later, we get to "William Shatner Roast Insults & Rebuttals" and:

-"'What is that on your head?'

-My hair is actually writing its own autobiography, Captain’s Locks. I will reveal no spoilers in advance of publication."

The audio:

As if Bill Shatner has not said the word "hair" enough times in a single chapter (five so far and counting), we also get a couple more encores a little while later:

"After three hours—three long, agonizing hours—it was my turn at the microphone. I would get the final say after a long evening of me (and my horse) being drilled unmercifully about my acting, my hair, my weight, my acting, my hair, and my weight. And my scrotum."

The author then recounts his chance at an on-stage rebuttal:

"I would need a big opening, a huge joke, and one that announced that William Shatner is here, and he’s not going to take it anymore. So I opened with . . . 'How's the hair?'"

The audio:

And then :

"The Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner was one of that network’s highest rated programs, and it was eventually nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Special. (We lost to a Tony Bennett concert special. I wonder how many jokes were made about his hair?) Most important, the show introduced me to many new young fans."

The audio:

And one more for good measure, this time a little more insightful:

"What I learned most of all from The Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner is that people have some very definite ideas and feelings about this William Shatner character. He’s larger than life, he’s omnipresent, he’s a narcissist, his acting and hair and singing talents are questionable at best, he’s a shill, he’s a comedy, he’s a tragedy, his scrotum sags with age, he speaks . . .very . . . strange . . . ly."

And one last piece of audio:

So that's nine mentions of the word "hair" in a single chapter (there's a couple more throughout the rest of the book too, including Hair the musical!). From utter silence on the subject to such willful abandon is surely an important step for Bill Shatner. He can finally say a word in public that has previously caused him a great deal of discomfort.

"The hills are alive with the sound of toupees!"

And as if seeking to make up for all those years of self-inflicted silence, he repeats that magic word over again and again and again! A stress analysis of the above audio reveals a far calmer and more assertive Bill Shatner than the one who a few years earlier nervously asked "do I wear a toupee?" While he still breezes over the word "hair" occasionally, no doubt seeking to prevent leaks of emotion, the word is nonetheless said loudly, directly and with a new-found sense of confidence.

It's been a delicate process, and one external nudge too many could again cause Bill Shatner to retreat.

But while we see some very important steps in the above, alas, we can't celebrate too much. As some of you noted in our previous post on Shatner Rules, while Bill Shatner uses the word "hair" liberally, even going so far as to note that it is writing its own biography and that "his acting acting and hair and singing talents are questionable at best," he avoids entirely the question of why.

"How's the hair?" Bill Shatner at the 2006 Comedy Central roast.

Thus, a reader or listener unfamiliar with toupological matters might be tempted merely to think that the actor has worn bad hairstyles or that his real hair looks like it's not real. But Bill Shatner never says that. He never says "my hair - which some claim is a toupee" or anything of the sort. It's very clever teasing in that it provides more than a nod to the initiated, but doesn't overtly signal too much to those not in the know!

Notice that Bill Shatner's head rests on the location of the Amazon rainforest. A subtle environmental message calling for protection and re-growth?

We can't wait till the next autobiography and where this extraordinary toupological journey will continue to lead us! The audiobook of Shatner Rules is available to buy. A fun, breezy book well worth reading (or listening to).

Poll result and the "Denny Katz" gets a medal of distinction.

2011-11-19T11:44:00.003+01:00

Our latest poll sought your views on the question of how Bill Shatner relates to the toupees he wears. Imagine that the time has come to retire one toupee and unwrap a fresh one. Is there a ceremony? Does Bill Shatner thank the old and welcome the new? "You did a great job!" and then "You and I are about to go on an incredible adventure!"... Or is it far less personal than that?

3% of you thought that the actor views his toups as little more than inanimate objects; 4% thought that he views them as members of the family; 7% saw a deep affection, like a close family member or pet; 14% suggested it was a love/hate relationship; 18% said it was a profound intimate connection, like with a lover. The most votes, 29%, went to "As protection, like children relate to security blankets".

Linus van Pelt from Peanuts.

Thanks for voting!

Now for the other thing. A recent appearance by Bill Shatner on Toronto's The Morning Show started off normally enough. But after some talk in which the actor notes that "we all hold a mask up" the conversation takes a rather interesting turn.

Suddenly, host Dave Gerry pulls out a head massager, asking "What's the significance of this object in your life?"

The actor seems not to know, calling it a "probe".

But, very much in a tone you'd expect from a combative political interview, Gerry intones "Mr Shatner..."

Is this an ambush?

The host then adds that according to his sources, Bill Shatner may have had box-loads of these things shipped from Canada to an "undisclosed location" in Europe where the actor was apparently attending a soiree back in 2010. Follicular regenerative therapy of some kind?

The actor cracks up.

And then, the unthinkable happens.

One of the female hosts (Kris Reyes) gets up...

...and begins massaging the head (and toupee) of Bill Shatner.

Is the toupee hair and membrane blocking out some of the strangely erotic "vibes" of this device? The actor seems to be getting it, though perhaps not with the full abandon that might be the case with his non-toup-wearing brethren.

Either way, what's really crucial here is: thank God this didn't happen years earlier when the actor wore a "TJ Curly" or "Lost Years" or even "Jim Kirk lace" as we may have been privy to a tangled, historic mess of epic proportions!

The "Denny Katz" performed with great distinction on this day and we extend our heartfelt congratulations! The full video can be watched in the second section here.

The dawning of the Age of Touperius.

2011-11-11T09:04:00.007+01:00

It's April 1968 and the musical Hair has just opened on Broadway, underscoring a crucial component of the ever-growing hippie counter-culture movement of the time. Being with it wasn't just about politics, Vietnam, "Turn on, tune in and drop out", great music, expanding your consciousness etc. etc. - but many involved also viewed growing their hair long as a quintessential component of this anti-establishment movement - and that's what this musical sought to reflect.

Might a toupee have sufficed if the real thing was not in abundant supply? Who knows... But that's all besides the point. In 1968, Bill Shatner was evidently in no mood to Let the Sunshine In, feeling introspective rather than exuberant; morose rather than jovial. Star Trek was a flop, hanging on for dear life, and the idea that this series would one day be remembered as an unmistakable part of the Sixties, on the same lists along with the Beatles, the moon landing, Woodstock, RFK, MLK and all the rest of it would have seemed like so much pie in the sky had anyone suggested such a thing at the time.

Bill Shatner in character as Captain Kirk at a parade in South Carolina. More here.

And not only was Broadway housing such counter-cultural hair-related fodder, not only was Bill Shatner's starring show falling apart, not only was the archetypal leading man concept atrophying under such increasingly sterile and morally dubious titles as A Guide for the Married Man (New Hollywood would soon wash all of this away), but the actor's marriage to wife Gloria Rand was also all but over. Which brings us to a contemporary profile of Bill Shatner in a 1968 issue of TV Guide, via the good folks at "More Shat, Less Shame".

The piece (in the journalistic sense of the word) is characteristically upbeat about the star it is examining. There's the "Golden Boy" in the title as well as a flattering look at the actor's career.

But for Bill Shatner, "the dream [meaning the joy of stardom] was hollow". His father's death, the breakup of his marriage (played out in many a magazine of the time), and ongoing career struggles lead the actor to note "Out of a great deal of personal sadness, I feel I'm able to see behind people's masks." Perhaps the toupee is being subtly inferred here: a man with his own mask wishing to learn about others. (Did that desire culminate years later in Shatner's Raw Nerve?).

The tell-tale hairpiece...

But if only that was the only toupological inference - subtle, nuanced... No, TV Guide underscores just how much times are a-changin'. Only two paragraphs into their profile we get something rather stunning: "At 37, and with only a tell-tale hairpiece marring his intergalactic Golden Boy image, Shatner doesn't look very different from the way he did in the early 1950's when he was labelled a theatrical Wunderkind."

So one of the most popular publications in America announces to the world that Bill Shatner wears a "tell-tale hairpiece". Yikes! What happened to the days when profiles were a little more respectful of concealing stars' foibles? What was happening to the world?

And what of the hair pictured in the similarly morose-looking photograph that accompanies the article? Is it one of the the little-seen personal "ratty-looking" toups? The lack of the characteristic "real" hairline suggests that it's not a "Jim Kirk lace". Could it be the toup from Perilous Voyage? Or is it really one of the actor's own? At this point, we just don't know...

But what the image perhaps suggests is that the new times were offering Bill Shatner more than just unwanted toupological TV Guide revelations after all - his real hair a little longer, and of course there's those rather bushy sideburns - he was about to get with it; the ashes of past defeat cast aside, he was about to become The Transformed Man and popular culture would never be the same again:

"Shouldn't that be hairpiece?"

Now the 60's could really take off! Humanity was about to enter the Age of Touperius!

Star Trek: The Motion Picture - a toupological analysis.

2011-10-30T20:31:00.023+01:00

Star Trek: The Motion Picture is the first Star Trek feature-film and was released in the US on December 7th 1979. The entire extended cast, from William Shatner as James T. Kirk all the way to Grace Lee Whitney as Janice Rand are reunited in this $45 million epic for the first time since the run of the original series in the late 1960s.

Normally at this point we try to give an overview of the plot of whatever movie or TV show we are examining. But since we assume that most, maybe even all of our readers are thoroughly familiar with ST:TMP, we're instead going to do something a little different. We will try to relay the story of the film only through the significant central character moments/stories/threads contained therein:

James T. Kirk is now a desk-bound admiral. Promotion has left him restless and bored (this is inferred rather than seen).

When news reaches him of a strange, destructive energy cloud detected out there in our galaxy, Admiral Kirk senses his opportunity. After a heated conversation with his boss (again, described but not actually seen), he seizes control of his old starship - the newly refitted Enterprise. Only he, the admiral maintains, is qualified to lead such a potentially dangerous mission.

Meanwhile, something is up with Spock. Living back on Vulcan, he suddenly eschews the attainment of a higher order of logic because he seems to be sensing something out there. Is he in contact with this cloud? Is it contacting him? Why?

Back in Earth orbit, Kirk muscles his way into the command of the Enterprise, elbowing the young Captain Decker out of the way.

But Kirk appears to be masking a mid-life crisis.

Is he placing his own egotistical sensibilities above his now rusty abilities as captain? His sense of inadequacy grows as we see that the Admiral struggles to even find his way around the new Enterprise.

Kirk, lonely and lost, summons one of his two close friends in the universe aboard the ship. Dr McCoy protests. "I need you," Kirk exclaims. McCoy senses something is wrong.

Now en route towards the cloud, our suspicions about Kirk's competence are confirmed by an incident that almost destroys the ship.

Thankfully, the ousted Decker overruled Kirk and prevented disaster.

In a brief confrontation, McCoy gives the admiral an earful, accusing him of "using this emergency to get the Enterprise back". Kirk really begins to wonder about whether he's in over his head.

As the mission continues, the crew is stunned to find Spock suddenly showing up. Did he just miss his estranged friends and want to join in on this mission or is there more to it than that?

The half-human, half-Vulcan science officer seems to be acting even more strangely than normal. Not even McCoy's barbs stir any hint of the old-style sparring.

Spock, seemingly sharing his own tormented duality with the entity, then sneaks off into the heart of the cloud, and is lucky to survive the ordeal.

Can he be trusted? Has he gone off the deep end? It's alive, he says.

Is Kirk ignoring the fact that Spock is basically possessed? McCoy steps in...

Spock, it seems, holds the key and Kirk knows it.

The point we've tried to illustrate with the above is that there are plenty of seeds of characterization sown throughout the movie, particularly in the first act, but none of them are really fully developed into a dramatic punch or coherent story arc. At the beginning, Kirk is out of sorts; Spock is potentially under the control of some alien entity and McCoy doesn't even want to be on this adventure. Plenty of threads for a decent drama, but it all, sadly, falls apart as the movie continues.

The Kirk in-over-his-head aspect just kind of evaporates with a premature nod to Decker during the second act. Spock the possessed goes the same way (some of these scenes were actually cut from the theatrical release and only seen later in home video versions).

The character elements described above should arguably have provided the core of the movie, balancing out the journey towards the mysterious V'ger cloud heading towards Earth. And there was one person, the third man in the triangle, Dr. "Bones" McCoy, through whom these fireworks should, we think, have played off.

DeForest Kelley.

Ultimately, no-one is more ill-served by this movie than the George Harrison of Star Trek - DeForest Kelley. It gets so bad that after a few scenes, his character (watch the movie and count) actually ends up repeatedly entering the bridge, gawking and exiting again. That's perhaps the greatest symbol of what's wrong with Star Trek: The Motion Picture - the human core, McCoy, is suddenly rendered silent and barely relevant.

"Hi, I'm DeForest Kelley. You may remember me from earlier in this movie."

There's nothing one longs for more in ST:TMP than a good "Damn it, Jim!" moment or three in the second and third acts. McCoy could have argued with Kirk about the admiral's apparent inability to see that he's (still) in over his head; he could have also argued with Kirk about his inability to ask real questions about Spock's behavior and trustworthiness ("Why is no-one asking if we should even trust this guy? What if that thing out there has taken Spock over? What if he's trying to get us killed?"); he could have reminded Kirk about the fact that Earth too is in real danger and the consequences of all of this are huge etc. etc.

And then maybe Kirk, alone in his quarters, feeling the pressure, could end up giving some sort of a moving personal log entry:

"Is McCoy right? Have I lost what I once had? Am I in over my head? Maybe I should have stayed at that desk after all..." - that sort of thing. (Compare this to the Kirk arc in the sequel The Wrath of Khan, when the captain realizes "I know nothing" after his early cowboy approach comes up short. At the beginning, he feels old - by the end he says "I feel young").

What ST:TMP arguably needed somewhere during the second half is something very much like this:

It could have been dramatic. It could have been moving. It would have woven threads together that were stretched across the movie. But it just isn't there. Instead, everyone just ends up staring out into space waiting for something to happen.

That's what the hypnotizing excess of special effects, and wonder, and glorious music by Jerry Goldsmith can't conceal no matter how hard the movie tries to pretend that it's some deep philosophical tone poem. And there is only one reason for this: bad writing.

Harold Livingstone and Gene Roddenberry (source).

Behind-the-scenes accounts of the making of ST:TMP published in countless books and magazines paint a picture of utter chaos. What began as a low-budget TV movie soon morphed
into a pilot for a proposed new series, Star Trek: Phase II, called "In Thy Image". This then ultimately became Star Trek: The Motion Picture. The script was re-written and re-written, and shooting actually began with only the first act fully completed. It shows.

Two men fought and fought and fought over competing re-writes: Star Trek's creator Gene Roddenberry and co-producer Harold Livingston.

Harold Livingston and William Shatner on set (source).

The latter recalled:

"Around this time, Roddenberry and I really began to get at each other's throats...I just didn't think that Gene was a good writer. He, for his part, considered me a total interloper." (source)

And so two authors, at complete odds creatively, often ended up sending competing re-writes to the set. It was dysfunction of the highest order and it ended up almost paralyzing the production.

What was wrong? We suspect that after a less-than-fruitful "Lost Years" of his own, post-original series, Gene Roddenberry somehow sub-consciously came to despise the one creation that had brought him success. As a result, given an opportunity to return to Trek, he decided to change it to prove that he was still creatively capable (maybe turn it more into a humanistic 2001: A Space Odyssey). The dramatically redundant Decker and Ilia would have been permanent members aboard Phase II (they later became the equally dramatically redundant Riker and Troi aboard TNG).

Anything, it seems, but focus on what had made the original series so great: the triangle (Leonard Nimoy would have been replaced by a new Vulcan called Xon in Phase II - he was later persuaded to return for the movie).

And so, during the 1970s, Roddenberry the terrific re-writer of TOS simply lost it. Head in the clouds, he seemed to forget the basic principles of good drama. With director Robert Wise unwilling or unable to do a Nicholas Meyer and simply seize the script and re-write it himself, chaos prevailed. Why Roddenberry didn't bring in TOS producer and master of both production and storytelling efficiency Robert Justman is perhaps the greatest unanswered question of them all. Was it simply ego, wanting to go-it-alone? We suspect this was the case. "You broke my heart, Gene," Justman would later recall telling Roddenberry about the matter, "But Gene didn't respond. He couldn't," he opined. The pair would eventually heal their wounds and work together again briefly on The Next Generation.

Robert Justman (right) would arguably have brought some much-needed discipline to ST:TMP.

Other problems, stemming from this script chaos, plague TMP too. Given the rush to make the December 1979 release date, the editing process became a frantic rush. As a result, the released movie was, in places, "essentially a rough cut" conceded Robert Wise (source) years later. Not only is pacing often dreadfully slow (say the wormhole "action" scene), but in some cases we see odd editing choices too (ironic as Wise was the editor of the legendary Citizen Kane).

Odd editing choices.

According to one account, "[At the premiere] Wise was seen to cover his face during some scenes as he'd requested more time to edit and fine tune the film, but Paramount said there wasn't any time left." (source)

And Wise's direction is rather shaky too. At times commanding, at other times it seems like he's fallen asleep at the helm (for example in the below scene).

Many (including Bill Shatner, who in Up Till Now noted "Robert Wise was a wonderful director, just not for this film") have questioned whether this director's often clinically detached directorial style was simply the wrong choice for this movie. Perhaps they have a point.

Interestingly, one of the moments where, towards the end, the movie suddenly gains a pulse and momentarily feels more like a TOS episode, with Kirk bluffing his way through a tense situation, was conceived by none other than Bill Shatner. Both he and Nimoy gained script approval after the movie went over-schedule. As Nimoy recalled of the scene in question "I mean Kirk and Spock were just basically staring at a blue-screen at the mercy of this...thing for pages and pages...[Bill Shatner's idea] tightened that particular scene, made it less talky, more interesting..." (source).

Yet for all its many flaws, it's impossible to completely dismiss the movie. For Trekkers of the time, the build up to the release of Star Trek: The Motion Picture was a magical event in and of itself. A failed TV series, then conventions, then the Space Shuttle Enterprise...

"Anyone seen Shatner?"

...and finally the return of the beloved cast in a new live-action adventure. Magically geeky times indeed! The fervor that surrounded the release needed no manufactured hype - there really were thousands and thousands of people who simply could not wait until ST:TMP was released.

Eager Trekkies in 1979 (source).

Compared to today's often instantly forgettable and rather mind-numbing CGI effects (that said, we strongly applaud the subtle and inventive CGI approach used to add new F/X to the 2001 "Director's Edition" of ST:TMP, which were nothing like the jarringly "computery" effects injected into the later TOS remastered project), Star Trek: The Motion picture is something of a work of art, with particular credit due to director of special photographic effects Douglas Trumbull.

Those were the days...(source).

The beautiful model photography is a genuine feat of craftsmanship...

...and serves as a testament to a very special time in American cinema, the late 1970s, when guys with beards essentially made visual magic with spit and chewing gum in the newly revived science-fiction genre.

From this...

To this... The now, sadly, largely defunct art of model photography (source and more pictures here).

So one can't help but come away from Star Trek: The Motion Picture and think: thank goodness we had one Star Trek made in the 1970s; one Star Trek that was more about exploration than the militaristic adventurism of most of the 80s installments; one Star Trek with a budget and talent capable of making the Starship Enterprise feel grand and majestic both inside and out. It's a failed attempt at an epic, but at least it's an attempt. No other Star Trek movie tried what this one did. And that's largely why, we think, that despite its numerous flaws, ST:TMP still manages to hold a special place in many a heart...

Let's move swiftly to the hair...

Persis Khambatta has her head shaved for the role of Ilia - was Gene Roddenberry sending Bill Shatner a message by creating a new bald character in Star Trek?

So Star Trek: The Motion Picture is released and thousands of Star Trek fans end up saying the same thing: "It's different!" "It doesn't have the same feel as the classic series!" "Why did you change it?". Did Bill Shatner make a mistake with his new toupee style in a way that mirrors some of the dramatic shortcomings of TMP? Consider that long, drawn out scene early in the movie when Admiral Kirk surveys and surveys and surveys the Enterprise from every conceivable angle.

It might as well have been the other way round, with a miniature Enterprise flying around a giant head studying the intricacies of Bill Shatner's intricately redesigned and refitted toupee...

Majestic? Certainly. But right there, something of the spirit of the original series is missing. Sure TOS was low budget, but there was also something inherently awesome in watching the original "Jim Kirk lace" toupee get all disheveled during a hearty fight scene. That was surely part of Gene Roddenberry's vision too.

Toupological moments in TMP? No time for such things - too busy looking serious and staring at things:

Near the end of the movie, Kirk at least wears a gold tunic. Maybe as a kid you closed one eye, stuck you finger out to obscure from view the non-black collar in a rather desperate attempt to see the old Kirk. And then you thought (rather unfairly): "It's still not him. It's the hair, dammit! The hair has ruined this movie!"

What we have in TMP is a very subdued "TJ Curly" far less like the disheveled look in 1976's Columbo appearance (or in the subsequent Trek movies)...

It's a sort of patty, really.

A helmet (it changes somewhat throughout the movie). And judging from what you our readers have repeatedly told us, the look was more than displeasing, it was even downright traumatic! Suddenly, many of you thought: "Oh, my God! Shatner is wearing a toupee!!!"

Even toy-makers were confused.

All the while, traumatized children wept...

"Mummy, what happened to Kirk?"

So what should Bill Shatner have done? A return to the "Jim Kirk lace" would have probably made the actor resemble Quincy.

Jack Klugman as Quincy.

But there was, we think, a viable alternative. The lace-like, light, side-parted toupee that Bill Shatner had worn repeatedly throughout the 1970s.

In 1971:

In 1975:

And even in 1976:

Bill Shatner in Barbary Coast.

It would at least have been Kirk-esque, while also allowing for some growth and change to accommodate for the passing years and 1970s styles. We think that audiences would have accepted this. But it wasn't to be. Dylan went electric and Shatner went curly - that's just the way life is sometimes.

To be fair, and upon considerable reflection, maybe Bill Shatner did do the right thing after all. Perhaps sensing the new sets, the new uniforms, the sudden emphasis on special-effects rather than characters, the actor decided to make a definitive statement: This really isn't the old series. It never can be. That was then and this is now. If I go back to my old 60s toupee, then all of this will probably seem even weirder; even more different. At least this way, the memory of what was is protected by this one major change. At least now we definitively know that what we are doing is something new -- still boldly going where no man, where no hair, has gone before...

UPDATE: One additional toupological observation we couldn't resist underscoring. A montage of fake hair that really speaks for itself. There are many subtle reasons why Bill Shatner is the odd one out here!

Poll result and the trouble with Tom.

2011-10-18T09:17:00.031+02:00

Our latest poll imagined a scenario in which Bill Shatner agreed to honestly answer one and only one question about his toupee-wearing. What would you ask?

Only one vote went to "Was hiding the lace line the biggest drawback of the 'Jim Kirk lace' "?; two votes went to "Do you consider the current "Denny Katz" as something of a perfect toup?"; three votes went to "Do you regret earlier blanket denials about your toupee-wearing?" and four votes went to "Which past toupee choice most makes you cringe?". 12% chose "Why not just admit that your hair isn't real?"; 14% chose "Was going curly in 1976 a mistake?"; 27% chose "When you first started going bald, were you fearful that it might hurt your career?" and the greatest number of votes, 30%, went to "Of all the toupees you've worn, which has been your favorite?". (And three votes went to "something else"-- please tell us your ideas!).

Thanks for voting!

The WSSTS complex.

Now onto another matter (one not related to the toupee - though maybe that's the problem!). Every week, some of our Shatner's Toupee staff take a walk around the huge William Shatner School of Toupological Studies complex, visiting the various departments and assessing the progress of countless research projects underway at any one time.

But recently, we were stunned to see so many glum faces among the ranks of even our most experienced toupologists. What was wrong? It wasn't long before we found the answer. The WSSTS had ordered several thousand copies of Bill Shatner's new album Seeking Major Tom. The intention was that staff might be inspired by it as they went about their work (and maybe even find some toupological references). Sadly, that's not what happened...

So we had a listen to the album and immediately sympathized with our bewildered, baffled and disappointed colleagues. To be blunt, we think this album stinks. It really is not very good at all. Much of the blame, we believe, lies with producer Adam Hamilton (pictured below). We'll try to explain why:

A total lack of musical creativity sinks Seeking Major Tom.

In terms of musicality - the wonder, nuance, magic, excitement, creativity, originality and all that music (as composition and arrangement) can conjure up and convey - this album, sadly, gets an F. A fail. A big fat fail. The use of synthesizers in so many songs in a tacky effort to replicate real instruments is one key reason for this. Why not use a real piano instead of a synthetic one that sounds like inoffensive shopping mall music?

Alright, perhaps there wasn't much of a budget. Only on occasion could real instruments be used (particularly with the numerous music legends that took part in the album).

But if you don't have a budget, then why not get really creative? Take a baseball bat to your computer terminal and start thinking outside of the box. Put Shatner inside a piano, see how that sounds; find some rare 1970s instrument and use that; invent a new kind of echo by sticking a microphone inside a milk bottle; call up some old sound effects guy who did Star Trek and borrow his homemade, still functioning who-knows-how-it-works gizmo...

Anything! That's what low budget should mean. More creativity not less! Thinking outside the box rather than surrendering to laissez-faire mediocrity.

Experimenting with sound. The Beatles with their producer George Martin.

Sadly, Major Tom sounds like the latter: creativity reduced to lazily sitting by a computer terminal, using standard settings, standard filters, standard techniques and ending up with what amounts to standard-sounding karaoke backing tracks. Seeking Major Tom should have been called Shatner Does Karaoke, because that's what it sounds like.

Even when real instruments are used, it's music that is so clean, so "correct" and "proper" that it ends up being completely soulless, like it went through a thousand "suits" who step by step robbed it of all that was remotely unique, risky and unconventional. And what of the truly incredible lineup of guest musicians from Zakk Wylde to Dave Davies? Totally wasted. What's the point of having creative people present but in no way asking them to utilize anything other than their technical talents?

How a low-budget production of a metal album could end up like that is truly, truly baffling. Was it laziness? Was it lack of creative thinking? Or was it just poor judgement?

"Whatever! It's Shatner, who needs creativity?"

Some of the behind-the-scenes footage released of the making of the album perhaps provides clues. Once you get over the "look at Shatner being silly" part, isn't there just a hint of a dominant atmosphere of rushed "whatever"? A sort of "Shatner will carry this and not too much effort otherwise will be required"?

Maybe the hope was that Bill Shatner himself is the lively, real, edgy component. Add whatever crap sound behind him and he'll make up for it. But that approach really just ends up turning Bill Shatner into a circus performer. A freak show. "Listen to this! Listen to Shatner sing 'Bohemian Rhapsody'". "Haa haa! Good laugh." "What the f--k is this?"

Shatner does karaoke - section from "Bohemian Rhapsody".

The essence of what makes Bill Shatner's music so amazingly weird but enjoyable is a not-quite-fully-defined combination of energetic earnestness and Bill Shatner's own eminently charming, yet also highly contradictory personality. The Transformed Man was the 1960s!!! (need we say more?). Has Been was sincere and deep and creative on the Shatner side and sincere and deep and creative on the musical Ben Folds side. Other performances, for example this...

...are both odd but also moving. They make Bill Shatner a sort of champion of the creativity of the silent non-mainstream. "Screw you, Britney!" it says, "We're the real artists and we demand to be heard!" And then there's Bill Shatner as the 80-year-old badass, whom we admire for just not giving a s--t and doing what the hell he wants to do:

But with Major Tom, a cardinal rule has been broken (keep it real). Sincerity has been diluted, while the freak-show "its all a joke" aspect has been placed in an uncomfortable central position carrying a load where creativity should be, but isn't. That is sad. And what a wasted opportunity. We wish it wasn't so but we really can't recommend Major Tom at all (though, to be fair some songs are better than others). It's really a struggle to listen to for more than a few minutes. Friends who don't know Bill Shatner much and marveled at Has Been are probably going to just scratch their heads at this and tell you what you probably already think: that it sucks...

If you disagree with the above, we are genuinely eager to hear a robust defense of Seeking Major Tom!! We'll end this piece on a high - "Common People" from the 2004 album Has Been:

UPDATE: Bill Shatner writes a letter to his younger self. Alas, no mention of his still lush (real) hair.

Bill Shatner mentions his "hair" in new book Shatner Rules.

2011-10-10T14:56:00.022+02:00

It was a moment many of us will never forget. News breaks that Bill Shatner has mentioned the hair in his new book Shatner Rules. For a while at least, collective concerns over global economic woes evaporate.

Just one example: a baseball match in the US, where as the major story makes its way, one person at a time, through the stadium, we witness spontaneous elation and patriotic shouts of "USA!".

What is this really? Sourced here.

Not long ago we conducted a poll asking readers about their honest hopes regarding Bill Shatner's toupological disclosures in Shatner Rules.

52% believed that Bill Shatner might make some coded references, but nothing overt. Is that what we have here? A coded reference, or is it much more? Is it perhaps yet another step in the actor's extraordinary toupological journey from absolute denial to full revelation? As many of you have observed, Bill Shatner seemingly wants to do this on his terms, his way. No pushing, no "gotcha" questions from the "lace-scream media". And what we have in this book continues that trend. And we can only marvel at being privileged to witness the latest chapter in this extraordinary journey.

Page 11 of Shatner Rules features a sub-section entitled "William Shatner's Roast Insults and Rebuttals" referencing the lampooning the actor endured during the 2006 Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner (including the arguably rather bitter-toned toupee-related material coming from George Takei).

(Our deep thanks to reader "Tintorera" for the tip and scans!)

On the following page comes this short Q&A:

Q:What is that on your head?

A: My hair is actually writing its own autobiography, Captain's Locks. I will reveal no spoilers in advance of publication.

A 2010 cover of USA Today - will one day the magnifying glass be moved up to the hair?

The brief exchange is extraordinary for a number of reasons. Firstly, it's important to underscore that this is Bill Shatner's own book - not an interview done in an uncontrolled environment. If this exchange is in it, it's because Bill Shatner wanted it there.

But what process led to its inclusion? Did co-writer Chris Regan ask the question or did Bill Shatner ask that it be asked? How well does Bill Shatner know Regan? Would this former The Daily Show writer really have felt comfortable bringing up a hair question by himself? "Hey, Bill can we do a hair question?" Icy stare.

"But I don't wear a hairpiece..." etc. etc. We doubt it. Bill Shatner had to make Regan know that permission was being granted; that it was OK to go there.

"What is that on your head?" - this is quite probably the first ever time in the history of mankind that Bill Shatner has acknowledged that the question is valid. What is that - as in "that thing" "that artifice" "that unnatural object". He's moved from asking the entirely rhetorical and one-sided "Do I wear a toupee?" to acknowledging that somebody else observing him could conceivably ask such a question; that his hair isn't so utterly convincing that to even ask him if it's a toupee would be "the stupidest question I've ever heard". That is a big step.

"Have I mentioned that I have a new book and CD out?"

"My hair is actually writing its own autobiography, Captain's Locks. I will reveal no spoilers in advance of publication." Bill Shatner then shows that he is continuing to lighten up over the whole baldness issue, having some fun with the fact that his toupees over the years have been so varied and so very fascinating, that an autobiography is entirely in order. If only Captain's Locks really were going to be the actor's next book!!

The end sentence "I will reveal no spoilers in advance of publication" is a brilliantly clever, and ever so slightly passive-aggressive, way of ending this particular conversation. "When it comes to my toupee, I'm in charge," Bill Shatner is saying, "and that's all you're getting (for now?)".

Now, as many of you will know, Bill Shatner has been all over the place lately promoting the aforementioned new book (and upcoming album). Which brings us to another rather amazing moment (thanks to reader "Thomas Jefferson Curly" for the tip!):

This is perhaps the greatest irony of Bill Shatner's toupee-wearing. It's actually gotten to the place where you have to know his hair isn't real in order to understand the rules of the road and avoid creating awkward moments like these. In a recent interview on a New York Fox affiliate, the poor female host apparently had no such idea, hence throwing Bill Shatner an innocent compliment about his "TJ Curly" years "I love you with the dark hair there," she interrupts:

Bill Shatner's reaction is priceless. His expression reveals shock, then a kind of "What is this - some sort of a hit job?" look (Bill Shatner misses seeing the image the woman was referring to) before finally settling into a rather meek "I don't know..."

In the spectator sport version of politics, one of the ultimate screw-ups for any candidate is the so-called "deer in the headlights" look. A politician is supposed to respond authoritatively to a given question or situation and instead they freeze up, revealing fear or uncertainty.

But Bill Shatner pretty much manages to avoid this fate with a skillful comeback worthy of JFK. After a several moments of uncertainty, the male host (perhaps sensing the awkwardness of the moment) interjects with "As you were saying..." but Bill Shatner has by then regained his composure and delivers a zinger: "I don't mind being interrupted by somebody who says you're looking good!" Phew!!

We'll take a closer look at Shatner Rules (including, as some of you have noted, some other more subtle hair references) at some point in the future and thanks, as always, for your tips and comments. For those of you eagerly awaiting our ST:TMP full toupological analysis, we're told it will definitely be published before the end of this month.

Shatner Rules is now on sale.

Do not forsake me, oh my toupee...

2011-10-04T13:09:00.021+02:00

William Shatner and Majel Barrett-Roddenberry in the original series Star Trek episode "What Are Little Girls Made Of ?"

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is a series we've barely, if ever, mentioned here at Shatner's Toupee for the fairly obvious reason that it has little direct connection, toupologically or otherwise, to William Shatner.

But there is one exception that we really couldn't resist bringing to you for its sheer allegorical power. The episode, from DS9's first season, is called "The Forsaken" and guest stars the late Majel Barrett-Roddenberry, wife of The Great Bird of the Galaxy and Nurse Chapel in the original Star Trek series. Here, she reprises her ST:TNG role as Ambassador Lwaxana Troi, managing to get stuck in an elevator with the shape-shifting Odo.

Lwaxana learns of Odo's discomfort in revealing that he has to revert back to his liquid form every sixteen hours. In order to make him more comfortable, she reveals that she wears a wig.

Once their ordeal is over, Odo asks for discretion in the matter that Lwaxana was able to witness.

Did Star Trek once again use the power of William Shatner's toupee to enhance its storytelling abilities? Was this a story that Majel Barrett herself wanted to tell, in some way reflecting back to her experiences with Bill Shatner in the original series?

Here's a slightly different retelling:

Imagine that after a Star Trek convention is some small American town, Bill Shatner and a female convention organizer (older than he) were heading away from the stage when the floorboards collapsed beneath them and they slid down into a disused mineshaft. The pair are trapped. It may take a week to rescue them.

Several days pass as the pair grow accustomed to their new circumstances. Sitting on the floor together, the woman begins to study the actor's hair.

"Is that hair real?"

Bill Shatner is shocked at the impertinent question. He pauses before answering cryptically "It is real in that it is me...it is not real hair."

The woman, never one for pretense, continues the uncomfortable line of questioning. "How do you do it? Your hair..."

"It took a great deal of time and experimentation before I found something I was happy with." His tone suggests he would rather that answer ended this particular conversation there and then.

The woman mouths "Oh" before inquiring "You studied hairstyles?"

The actor sighs. Evidently this woman isn't going to give up. "If you must know, I wore many different styles before I finally imitated the style of the man who was assigned to create my latest hairpiece."

Ed Katz

"You mean that's how your hair was created? In a laboratory?"

Bill Shatner's discomfort grows. "My hair did not grow up as you think of it. It was merely a transition from what I used to be - someone with real hair - to what I learned to become - someone without real hair, but with a toupee."

The woman is touched by the story. She shakes her head "Sounds very lonely to me."

The pair continue to talk, with Bill Shatner relaying with some bitterness how when he was first fitted with his "Jim Kirk lace" he became the life of the party for those in the know, always being asked to do party tricks to see whether the lace would remain in place or flip over.

The woman notices that Bill Shatner looks increasingly unwell, his head sweating, his hair flustered.

"I'm fine," he insists at first, but then a toupological convulsion sets in.

"You're not well at all," the woman says, now deeply concerned.

Bill Shatner turns to her. After a dramatic pause that seems to last an eternity, he says nervously "It's the toupee. I have to replace it every thirty days - it's like contact lenses; you can't keep them in for too long either. And this is day thirty!"

The woman puts her arms around Bill Shatner, noticing several places on his head where his "hair" is beginning to come unstuck; at the sides, his usually shaved real hair appears to be pushing off the toupee. The actor crunches up as his pain and unease grow.

*

Hours later...

"This is William Shatner to anyone who can hear me..." The exhausted actor sighs resignedly, realizing how futile his desperate calls are in this place beyond the reach of a cellphone signal. His back is turned to the woman; his toupee increasingly detached from his scalp. "Shatner out..." he says, closing the channel with an air of deflation.

"Bill, turn around," says the woman.

"I can't. It's beginning. The toupee is starting to peel off!"

"It's alright," she replies, trying to soothe Bill Shatner's worries.

"You don't understand. No member of the public has ever seen me without my toupee before!"

"Not even the toupologist who was assigned to create your toupee?"

"That was different. It was only research to him. "

"But you don't have to be ashamed with me."

"I'm not ashamed. My baldness is a private matter, that's all..."

"How can I make it easier for you?"

"You can't. I'm fine," groans Bill Shatner unconvincingly.

Staring out into the eternal nothingness, suddenly a strange object interrupts his tailspin of torment and lurches him back into reality.

He turns towards it and can't believe what had been thrust before his eyes. It is a wig. Her wig! "What's that?" asks Bill Shatner. Although the answer is already obvious, he nonetheless needs to hear the words.

"My hair," she replies. Bill Shatner, now entirely vulnerable and defenseless, turns toward the strange woman. "No-one has ever seen me like this," she smiles.

"Why? You're not bald."

"It looks ordinary. I've never cared to be ordinary. So you see Bill, even we non-toup-wearers have to change who we are once in a while."

"You are not at all what I expected," grins Bill Shatner.

"No-one's ever paid me a greater compliment."

The actor's head begins to shudder. It's time. "I...cannot...hold my...toupee...on...any...longer..."

"Let go," responds the woman gently "I'll take care of you."

Shaking and sweating, Bill Shatner finally lets go.

He peels the already half-detached toupee off his head and collapses in the woman's lap weeping with relief that the itchy, disintegrating hairpiece has finally been separated from his head.

The pain is over. The dying toupee lays discarded in the corner; the scalp is finally able to breathe again. The older woman smiles maternally at the bald man trembling before her.

*

Several days after they are rescued, (the woman had torn off a part of her skirt for Bill Shatner to wear as a bandana to conceal his head in front of the waiting press above) the pair meet by the mouth of the now safely fenced-off mineshaft in which they had had their shared experience.

"Well, I just wanted to say goodbye before I left for back home," says the woman.

Bill Shatner, now looking great again in a freshly applied toupee, quietly broaches the subject of the pair's intimate toupological experience.

"I know that what happened wasn't exactly what you had in mind when you came here for this convention."

"When it comes to conventions, all that really matters is the company," she replies graciously.

"About my toupee..." Bill Shatner mumbles quietly but directly "Your sensitivity and discretion are appreciated."

The woman gives him a knowing grin. "Next time you see me, I'll give you a lot more to appreciate!"

Bill Shatner smiles. The experience is over, and for all the toupological discomfort, he finds himself ruminating that the experience in the mineshaft may have been one of the most spiritual of his life. He looks up at his new hairpiece, gives it a knowing scratch just in the right place and says "Come on you, time for our next adventure."

***

The above is complete nonsense, of course. The awkward Odo is unlike Bill Shatner in many respects. Majel Barrett (who, as Nurse Chapel, wore a blond wig in Star Trek to try to conceal from NBC the fact that she had already played the little-liked "Number One" in the series pilot "The Cage") and Bill Shatner were, from what we understand, never particularly close. Yet, his toupee has an extraordinary way of sparking the imagination. And whether it was Barrett from whom this story sprung or some other sub-conscious channel, one thing is clear - in our post-Toupdustrial age, all true creative paths surely lead back to William Shatner's toupee!

"The Toupee Thinker" - image courtesy of Musée Rodin, France.

Poll result and variegated toupological miscellany.

2011-09-26T10:56:00.010+02:00

Our most recent poll asked for your thoughts on the question of when - or if - Bill Shatner went fully Patrick Stewart-style bald.

Only one voter thought that this was only in recent times; 5% thought it was during the 1990s, while he was in his 60s; 10% thought it was during the 1980s, while he was in his 50s; 18% thought it was during the 1960s, while he was in his 30s; 28% said: "Never. There's probably still something on top, though not much." The most votes, 35%, went to the 1970s option, while Bill Shatner was in his 40s.

Bill Shatner circa 1972 - was he already fully bald underneath?

Thanks for voting! Now for the variegated toupological miscellany part...

Firstly, we have a truly incredible image - perhaps the defining image of our age - Bill Shatner looking knowingly at a bald eagle. Is he angry? After all, the bald eagle isn't actually bald. So why call yourself bald if you're not? Doesn't that do a disservice to people like Bill Shatner? Or is it only fair? Bill Shatner doesn't call himself bald and he is, so why not the other way round? Or was Bill Shatner angry because he moved to the US when he learned that its national symbol was the bald eagle - and then he discovered that it wasn't really bald.

The image was on sale at eBay (apparently it's from a 1971 documentary).

To make matters even more poignant, here's Bill Shatner in 2008 talking about the plight of this bird (using the word "bald" three times) and contrasting it to action on climate change. Perhaps he feels great affection and empathy with any creature who is labelled as "bald"!

Next, it seems that Bill Shatner is increasingly sneaking the word "hair" into almost every interview he undertakes these days. Is this part of a process to make the actor more comfortable with such matters? Or is he giving a nod - as politicians often do - to his base?

Firstly, we have a recent radio interview in which Bill Shatner talked to Howard Stern (with George Takei also present - the full interview can be heard in three parts here).

The debate shifts to that eternally fascinating question of why Bill Shatner, now both wealthy and well into his autumnal years, still works so hard. Stern then reveals that he only works three days a week. Bill Shatner asks what he does with the rest of his time before adding "Well, I mean, cut some hair...!" An interesting suggestion for one's free time. Does Bill Shatner use his free time to work on his hair?

And did Bill Shatner know that there are questions about Stern's own hair too?

Next, we have a recent interview between Bill Shatner and his daughter Lisabeth, in which Captain Kirk set the nerdosphere ablaze by claiming that Star Trek was better than Star Wars (full clip here). Once again, Bill Shatner manages to sneak the word "hair" into the mix:

In this case, the actor's statements are pretty ironic considering his own toupological history.

"God knows what those actors [in Star Wars] look like in reality with all those special effects. I mean, there's no telling what ILM did for those faces and those hairdos. They may have walked around with nothing on! ... We don't know! We don't know what they were like."

Image sourced here.

The above words really could not have more double-meaning. The same, of course, can be said for Captain Kirk in the original series. Can we ever truly appreciate what the Star Trek hair department did for Bill Shatner? When the cameras were off, he too could have been walking around without his toupee - and, well, we don't know!"

Some of you also noted some interesting idiosyncrasies of Bill Shatner's "Denny Katz" in the aforementioned clip.

Was the toup dyed or colored darker than Bill Shatner's real hair at the back of his head (we'd say the answer to that is probably yes)? And what's going on at the sides?

And, as some of you wondered, is Bill Shatner's hair undergoing another major shift - perhaps a return to a style more akin to the "Jim Kirk lace" (perhaps as part of lobbying efforts to be in the next Trek movie)? Or is he simply utilizing the "flexible booster pack" abilities of the "Denny Katz"?

According to our "Department of Toupological Alterations" which is responsible for maintaining its color-coded "Toupological Advisory System", the risk of a major hairstyle shift still remains low. Their advise, at present, is: "Remain calm but vigilant as there are some minimal signs that Bill Shatner would perhaps like to make his 'Denny' a little more 'Jim-like'".

"That guy next to me actually has hair but shaves it! What's the world coming to?"

Finally, as reader "Clayton Forrester" pointed out, talk-show host Craig Ferguson recently included a Bill Shatner toupee joke in his monologue.

Toupee joke around 2m 44s.

What makes this all the more significant is that this was just days after Bill Shatner appeared as a guest on his show. We doubt very much that there were any negative vibes during that appearance or malice intended during the latter. Rather, it appears that the opposite is true.

So does Bill Shatner welcome good toupological jokes, even in public, from his friends (so long as he isn't there directly)? Or has Ferguson committed a major faux pas?

Thanks, as always, to our readers for your endless tips!

Quintessentially lost...

2011-09-17T10:29:00.008+02:00

Studying the various toupees from Bill Shatner's "Lost Years" period (1970-76) is a full-time job. Thankfully, we have hundreds of staff employed in just that very task! Which brings us to a recent picture we managed to dig up, though we don't know where it's from or on what date it was taken - though toupology can, at least, help us to zero in.

The toupological nadir of the "Lost Years" came between 1971 and 1974.

1970: Though technically no longer a lace frontal hairpiece, the "Jim Kirk" style still persists.

Sole Survivor (1970).

1971: The fashions of the times see male hair becoming increasingly longer, and Bill Shatner is no exception. But in terms of style, it's still arguably not too bad.

Ironside: "Walls are Waiting" (1971).

1972: The "Lost Years" period really takes off. Odd hairlines, excessive thickness etc.

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1972).

1973: Perhaps the absolute toupological low point. The word "toupee" itself almost ceases to become applicable, with "wig" seeming more appropriate.

Impulse (filmed in 1973).

1974-75: It starts off poorly...

Big Bad Mama (1974).

Land of No Return (1975).

...but some time during 1975, Bill Shatner's hair suddenly undergoes a truly drastic shift towards a more appropriate, stylish look - and one more akin to the "Jim Kirk lace".

On Geraldo Rivera's Good Night America circa '75 (a since-disappeared video listed this as 1974, but we think this may have been mistaken).

This trend continues. Bill Shatner is suddenly thinner, smarter etc.

The Tenth Level (1975).

This would thus tend to date the picture atop this page, with its extraordinary "high hairline" circa 1973-75. But as we often see, outliers can't be ruled out either.

By 1976, another rapid shift and the "TJ Curly" was born:

So what happened around 1975 that made Bill Shatner smarten up his hair, only to ditch this new look by 1976? We cant' know for sure, but we can present a theory:

Although Star Trek: The Motion Picture itself would not be made for a number of years, around late 1974, Bill Shatner may have heard the first rumors circulating that reviving Star Trek was seriously being considered by Paramount. Did these rumours cause the actor to tidy himself up should he get a telephone call?

When the calls did not come (the process of reviving Star Trek was rife with severe delays and false starts) and when Barbary Coast failed, was there a moment of crisis for Bill Shatner?

One night, standing on a bridge, weeping and filled with despair, did Bill Shatner suddenly tear off his new toupee and throw it into the river below? "To hell with Star Trek and to hell with you!!!" Captain Kirk, it seemed, would not come to the rescue after all. The new toupees, the weight loss, had all apparently been for nothing...

A revived toupee is thrown into a river.

Is that how the "TJ Curly" was born?

What did John Lennon do in 1969...

...as soon as it was clear that The Beatles were indeed splitting?

He cut his hair.

Faced with disappointment, Bill Shatner changed it. Who needed the technology of Star Trek? Bill Shatner and his new hair would now have their (video here) own:

And who needed The God Thing (the name of the aborted Star Trek TV movie Gene Roddenberry was working on)? By 1976, the new Bill Shatner had Mysteries of the Gods!

The "TJ Curly" may have thus been a belated version of...

And by the time Star Trek came knocking again, it would have to accept the new Bill Shatner - more on that in our upcoming ST:TMP full toupological analysis.

A ruffle and a scratch.

2011-09-06T11:32:00.025+02:00

Imagine having crucial Bill Shatner-related toupological information in your head and not even knowing it: matters of texture, thickness, firmness and other invaluable tactile data. At the William Shatner School of Toupological Studies we have computer models, robots, toupee mockups and all manner of tools at our disposal to help us in understanding William Shatner's toupee-wearing.

A toupological experiment carried out on a "Turbo Shatner" robot at the WSSTS.

But nothing beats first-hand information.

"I agree!"

And that is what we find in footage (recently uploaded to YouTube by "zainin666") from a 1983 episode of Battle of the Network Stars - a series, which ran from 1976 to 1988 - in which celebrities compete in all manner of sporting events. Bill Shatner was something of a regular.

However, in this instance, and after a rather arduous inflatable kayak race, a (mock or semi-mock) argument breaks out among some of the competing celebrities - specifically Bill Shatner and none other than Mr. T - about the rules.

As this argument is unfolding, one of the competing celebrities sneaks up behind Bill Shatner and gives him a rather thorough hair ruffling.

A brief struggle ensues...

...with Bill Shatner swiftly pulling away his smiling co-star's hands from his toupee.

The moment in slow-motion:

Who is this bold celebrity? It's actor Edward Albert, most famous for his role in the terrific 1972 movie Butterflies Are Free.

Edward Albert and Goldie Hawn in Butterflies Are Free (1972).

Why did he do it? What did the toupee feel like? How did Bill Shatner react afterwards? Sadly, whatever crucial tactile and other toupological data Albert could have revealed has likely been lost forever. The actor passed away in 2006.

Mr. T (left), Edward Albert (center) and William Shatner (right).

Back to the scuffle! Moments later, having had his hair ruffled...

...Bill Shatner performs a subtle "Real hair reflex" action just to make sure everything is still alright up there:

What's rather extraordinary in general about the appearances by Bill Shatner in this series is that the actor found himself outside of the toupologically safe confines of the film set for an extended period of time - and in front of the public. What if something went wrong with the toup!?!

The likely reason for this, asides from Bill Shatner's risk-taking nature, is the added security provided the the "TJ Curly - phase II". With the toupee now anchored to real hair at the sides, it was far more secure and durable. Kayaking, wet hair, arguments with Mr. T - no problem!

Interestingly, the wetter the toup, the more realistic and less toup-like it appears.

And who is the interviewer/host?

Toup meets toup - a year before in 1982 (the toup down the sides is more noticeable).

Why, it's Howard Cosell - this legendary picture says it all:

You can watch a collection of Bill Shatner's appearances in Battle of the Network Stars courtesy of "zainin666" below:

"We don't wear wigs in Canada!"

2011-08-29T22:24:00.004+02:00

We've occasionally spoken in jest about the idea of some kind of trial in which Bill Shatner would have to argue before a judge (and spellbound world) that his hair was indeed real. It is of course unlikely that such a trial will ever take place, but what we can report is the existence of footage of Bill Shatner in front of a judge being told "...we don't wear wigs in Canada."

The footage in question comes from a second season episode of the TV show Boston Legal called "Finding Nimmo." And not only does it contain this remarkable line, but it also has Bill Shatner in a very elegant 18th century-style wig!

A "TJ Curly Retro Deluxe Edition"?

So what's going on here? Basically, Denny Crane (Bill Shatner) and fellow lawyer Alan Shore (James Spader) find themselves on fishing a vacation in Canada. There, they discover a case that surrounds the damage to wild salmon caused by sea lice, a side-effect of man-made fisheries. The pair then learns that a court case on the matter is pending and decide to storm the event (a more detailed plot description is here). Mistakenly, they believe that Canadian court attire requires wigs in the same way the British system does.

What's truly priceless here (other than seeing Bill Shatner wearing a wig on top of a toup) is Denny Crane's reaction to the "we don't wear wigs in Canada" line. Bill Shatner's head slumps almost as if trying to look as innocent as possible (it's rather similar to this real-life incident).

Is Bill Shatner being inadvertently bashful and sheepish? Or is he actually having very deliberate fun with the line - a nod and a wink to us about his own toupee use. Another look at that specific moment:

We can't help but feel that Bill Shatner's reaction is playing with the moment just a little.

Thankfully, "we don't wear wigs in Canada" only applies to the courtroom, otherwise we'd have a rather unique reason for the Canadian-born Bill Shatner's long-term residence in the United States - namely that he's been exiled from a nation which oppressively bans toupee-wearing!

Meanwhile, another episode entitled "Witches of Mass Destruction" features Bill Shatner with an artificial furry substance on top his head - on top of his toupee, naturally. It's a scalp, then toup, then air, then neck, then head, then fur combo. Toupology can get very confusing sometimes...

Loaded Weapon 1 - a toupological analysis (and a poll result).

2011-08-22T12:30:00.019+02:00

Loaded Weapon 1 is a 1993 comedy movie pretty much done in the vain of the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker (and writer Pat Proft) style of comedy best exemplified by 1980's Airplane! and 1988's The Naked Gun (though technically Weapon is of the National Lampoon ilk).

Whereas some of the movies that can be considered spin-offs from these two pieces of iconic cinema featured some combination of these four figures (such as 1991's Hot Shots! or 1998's Wrongfully Accused), in the case of Loaded Weapon 1, these individuals are nowhere to be found. Instead, others do their best to imitate a very particular style of humor.

Leslie Nielsen in The Naked Gun.

The movie stars Emilio Estevez and Samuel L. Jackson and is co-written (along with two other writers who never seemed to have worked on a motion picture again) and directed by Police Academy 3 and 4 writer Gene Quintano. Several notable figures makes cameos in the movie including Bruce Willis, Charlie Sheen (brother of Emilio), Whoopi Goldberg, F. Murray Abraham and James Doohan, alias Scotty from Star Trek. William Shatner co-stars as the villainous General Mortars.

The plot (such as there is one) goes as follows...

A trigger-happy, somewhat unstable narcotics agent Jack Colt (Estevez)...

...is teamed up with his no-nonsense colleague Wes Luger (Jackson)...

...after Luger's partner (Goldberg) is killed by crooks seeking a microfilm in her possession that has the formula for turning cocaine into Wilderness Girl cookies.

The pair then travels to a secure mental institution to talk with Dr. Harold Leacher (Abraham) who informs them that the case involves one General Mortars (Shatner), who happened to be Colt's commanding officer during the Vietnam War.

Jackson is unconvinced, while Colt still bears the scars of losing his dog.

Meanwhile, General Mortars and his goons are trying their hardest to recover the microfilm and carry out their plot of spreading cocaine via the cookies.

The cop duo continue their hunt for Mortars...

...as Colt falls for the head of the Wilderness Girls...

Is she a villain too or will she help the cops?

A showdown is guaranteed with Mortars holed up in the cookie factory.

All the while...

...numerous parodies, "jokes" and "laughs" continue throughout.

So what to make of all of this? Oh, dear...! The plot could not be any more wafer-thin, containing about as many twists and turns as a well-built Roman road. The role of the missing microfilm, which is apparently needed to make the cookies - or is it? - or what the hell is going on? - is just one example of the story's shoddy, ultra-light construction.

The performances, in particular Emilio Estevez, are pretty dreadful and entirely ill-suited to the kind of earnestly silly and stupidly sophisticated tone required to pull off this kind of humor.

But far more importantly, this movie just isn't funny. Most of the jokes are of the roll-your-eyes variety rather than of the laugh-out-loud kind. The fault lies with an uninspired script and an atrociously poor sense of comic timing from director Quintano, who telegraphs and under-paces even potentially funny humor, pauses and all, to the point of tedium.

From the legendary 1982 TV series Police Squad! to the disastrous An American Carol (2008), which essentially served as a nail in the coffin for this particular sub-genre of comedy, one can find both amusing hits (such as the Naked Gun sequels) and complete disasters. Loaded Weapon 1 contains a couple of laughs, with those spotting the various film parodies likely to be a little more amused, but all in all, this movie definitely ranks in the "complete disasters" category.

The various celebrities who have cameos in Loaded Weapon 1 just end up looking like C-listers in need of a career lift or some money - they just seem cheapened...

"Why the hell am I in this movie?!"

...and even humiliated:

Career wise, for Bill Shatner too the mid-90s were something of a "Lost Years 2"; but Shatnerologists will know that the actor has rarely, if ever, been averse to partaking in a bad movie!

Let's move swiftly to the hair...

While as a movie, Loaded Weapon 1 pretty much lacks any merit, as a toupological case study, the reverse is very much the case. What we have here is a pretty remarkable case of an outlier toupee; a "Denny Katz" years before that style was fully adopted.

In 1992, Bill Shatner's hair looked like this:

In 1994, it still was fully in the "TJ Curly" mold (although perhaps from here on in, the subtle straightening that would ultimately morph into the "Denny" began):

Thus, 1993 brought us a definite outlier - shorter, straighter and less thick:

Why? Did the producers do the unthinkable and suggest different hair for the role? Or did Bill Shatner, perhaps sensing the weakness of the script, decide it was crucial for his hair to try and save this movie?

Did this bring about Bill Shatner's first meeting with Ed Katz?

But there's more yet.

Not only does the movie contain a new hairstyle, but it also features wet hair, hair fanning and even hair combing!

It's all pretty astonishing to see...

...and helps to turn an otherwise forgettable movie into an unforgettable one!

Loaded Weapon 1 is available on DVD. Worth watching only for Bill Shatner's hair.

Finally, to our very next full toupological analysis. We really had no idea beforehand which Star Trek movie you would favor. But in the end, you spoke clearly and decisively (52%). It will be Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Thanks for voting and our team is beginning its work!

The TJ toup takedown.

2011-08-11T11:45:00.014+02:00

A reader recently brought to our attention a third season episode of TJ Hooker called "The Lipstick Killer" noting that a wig removal scene was contained therein. We were compelled to investigate!

The plot involves a murderer who is dressing up as a female nurse (including wearing a wig). This aspect features prominently in the episode as TJ Hooker deduces that the killer may be a man dressed up as a woman:

At the end of the episode comes a showdown between TJ and the bad guy in which the police sergeant tears off the bad guy's fake hair:

To our knowledge, the episode's director Sigmund Neufeld Jr. has never spoken publicly about the toupological aspects of this episode. But if he had, here's what we think he might have said:

"This town ain't big enough for two wigs!"

"When Bill Shatner first got his copy of this script and realized that the episode would be dealing with fake hair, he immediately called the production staff to his home for a meeting. 'Hair is something I know about,' he said 'And I want to help make this episode as believable as possible.' Bill then went through the script line by line and was extremely helpful, telling us 'artificial hair wouldn't behave like that' or 'here in this scene, you need to make sure that wig is lit from behind because wigs have different spectral properties' and those sorts of things. He took the whole thing very, very seriously and turned out to be immensely helpful."

And what of the wig pulling scene?

"Originally, we were planning to use a stuntman for that shot, as pulling off someone's wig can be risky and should only be done by professionals. But Bill insisted that he could do it, so we finally relented. What he ultimately did was amazing. Right away you could tell that this was a guy that had great experience with and even love for artificial hair. The way he pulled the hair off in that shot - gripping it in just the right place; a firm deliberate yank - even some of the best stuntmen in the world couldn't have done it that well. It was really an amazing experience and one I'll never forget."

Curiously, the scene ends with Bill Shatner holding the bad guy's wig (in his right hand).

In the very next scene, Bill Shatner is looking a little sheepish and the wig is nowhere to be found!

A souvenir for TJ Hooker? Or more than that...? We'll probably never know.

UPDATE: Thanks to tips supplied by our readers, we have another example for you of TJ Hooker tearing off someone's wig. This time, it's from the fourth season episode "Target: Hooker". What's really remarkable about this sequence, in which Hooker tears off the wig of a male Marilyn Monroe impersonator, is just how similar it is to "The Lipstick Killer" wig tear moment:

The editing is a little different, holding for a few frames more on Bill Shatner as he performs the stunt.

But the way the artificial hair is torn off is almost identical.

So why was such a moment repeated on TJ Hooker within the space of a year? Was it the volume of fan mail that came in after "The Lipstick Killer" applauding any moments in which Bill Shatner overtly interacts with hair?

Or was it Bill Shatner himself demanding more toup-pulling scenes? To distract from his own hair? Or, conversely, to make subtle hints at it? Perhaps the suggestion is that you don't wear fake hair if you have enough real hair of your own! So many questions...

As a toupological bonus, "Target: Hooker" also contains this:

The Captains and hearing "hairpiece".

2011-08-03T15:31:00.007+02:00

What do a 1971 appearance by Bill Shatner on The Mike Douglas Show and the new 2011 documentary The Captains have in common? Both feature examples of Bill Shatner reacting to the word "hairpiece". Yet in both instances, the word is spoken by another party about another party - nothing directly to do with Bill Shatner at all. But the reactions, forty years apart, are still highly revealing.

In the first example, an interview with Mike Douglas is interrupted by a woman in the audience who has apparently lost her hairpiece.

"A lady lost her hairpiece," Mike Douglas tells Bill Shatner.

"Well, somebody find it. It may be kicking around down there. Then again it may be the lady," responds Bill Shatner somewhat awkwardly.

Where's that hairpiece?

Could we have expected more? Might Bill Shatner have shared some of his own tips for finding a lost hairpiece? Might the whole thing have descended into farce as Bill Shatner took off his own piece, threw it towards the woman and said "Here, borrow mine!"? In another universe perhaps, but not this one...

The toupee - note the back - is very much of its time.

The next example comes from Bill Shatner's new film The Captains, which many of you will no doubt have heard about (and hopefully seen). Basically, it's a feature-length documentary in which Bill Shatner talks to the actors that have also played captains (Patrick Stewart, Avery Brooks, Kate Mulgrew, Scott Bakula and Chris Pine) in the Star Trek franchise - more on that in a moment.

As part of his interviews, Bill Shatner also talks to fellow thespian Christopher Plummer, who played the scenery-chewing Klingon Chang in 1991's Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.

Plummer recalls how he insisted on forgoing the typical Klingon wig:

"I played...I think the only Klingon who didn't have a hairpiece..." Plummer tells his interviewer and former understudy.

So how do Bill Shatner's reactions differ between 1971 and 2011? The early 1970s were a "very tough time," recalls Bill Shatner in Up Till Now, even going so far as to say that "one of the few positive memories" he had of this era, asides from meeting his second wife Marcy, was that he began to work with horses.

"Take my toupee. No, please - take my toupee!"

A longer segment from the Mike Douglas interview, which recently appeared on YouTube, appears to underscore this state of mind. The interview is full of awkward, uncomfortable attempts at humor from Bill Shatner - the kind of jokes you make when deep down, you're not feeling that great at all.

Flash forward to 2011.

At first, Bill Shatner is momentarily shocked at that word.

But a split second later, he laughs.

Evidently, the Bill Shatner of 2011 is far more comfortable with himself and the use of the word "hairpiece". And in a sense, that is partially what The Captains is about. A man who has worn a toupee throughout his entire life is reaching out to others similar to him (Trek captains) to probe for their complexities, their stories, their hopes and pains (and maybe even secrets).

Bill Shatner hugs the bald Patrick Stewart.

In the end, The Captains ends up being not just an entertaining but often even a very moving film. If we wanted to be a little snarky, we could say "William Shatner finally directs a decent movie!" - but it's actually kind of true!

The next Star Trek captain, Avery Brooks, deliberately became bald by shaving his head.

Even the poster features Bill Shatner under an artificial lid with flaps down the side:

The movie also features a couple of rare toupologically interesting images, for example this very early "Jim Kirk lace" circa 1959 (we're not sure what from):

We also received more than one message from our readers noting seeming changes in hair thickness throughout this movie. That's something, of course, that adds another layer of interest to The Captains.

The "Denny Katz" itself appears to be something of a framework. It can be worn by itself, but it can also be upgraded in various ways - tinted, thickened etc. A canvas which enables Bill Shatner the toupological artist to experiment and attune his hair to the moment...

The above recent picture perhaps best illustrates the fluidity of this particular toup. Elements of the "TJ" - the thickness; elements of the "JK lace" - the parting - it's all there, a fusion of three different toupee styles as Bill Shatner looks back with satisfaction over a long life.

And in this above picture, Bill Shatner is underscoring some of the new-found emotional and spiritual discoveries made throughout the movie - "It's my toupee, and if today I want it to be blonde, then so what?!" The joy of this undoubtedly successful movie experience (The Captains is well worth watching) is evident not just on his face, but also on his toupee! As Captain Kirk said at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan "I feel young!"

"Beam me up, Scotty - but not just yet!"

Poll result and You Decide 2011.

2011-07-28T09:01:00.013+02:00

Our most recent poll asked for your take on whether Bill Shatner will likely return to the issue of his toupee-wearing in his upcoming book Shatner Rules: Your Guide to Understanding the Shatnerverse and the World at Large.

6% said "yes" the author began the discussion in Up Till Now, and will likely now continue it; 11% said "no" the "do I wear a toupee?" line in that book was the final word; 17% chose the joke option - that the entire book will be a point-by-point denial of every single toupee-wearing allegation ever levelled against Bill Shatner! The greatest number, 38%, believed that there may indeed be some subtle coded language for toupee-buffs, but nothing overt.

Thanks for voting!

Incidentally, an examination of the cover of the book (set for release in October) reveals some potential coded toupological imagery. Notice the angle at which Bill Shatner's head is tilted. Exactly the same as the globe he is holding. At the same relative position where Bill Shatner's toupee is, on the globe we find the white patch of the North Pole.

Is Bill Shatner using the power of his toupee to underscore the receding ice line of the Arctic region as caused by climate change? Or the reverse? Who knows...?

Now for some news on our newest poll. In a brief change of format, we're going to give our readers the deciding voice on a question that many of you have been asking, namely "When are you going to do a full toupological analysis of the Trek movies?"

Inexplicably, our toupologists have been dragging their feet, unable to decide (chronologically may seem a little too obvious). So whatever our readers choose, that's the one we'll look at first! Just to note, it's not a poll about which Trek movie is your favorite, but rather of which one you would most like to see a toupological analysis (the wind in III; the water in IV; the newness of the "TJ" in I; the grayness in VI - so many factors to sway your choice!). Happy voting!

Bill Shatner tests if Star Trek movie director Nicholas Meyer's hair is real.

Bill Shatner says "bushy toupee".

2011-07-25T15:58:00.016+02:00

As human beings, we share countless common experiences. One such example is the simple act of waking up after a night of sleep. Will today bring something positive, or new, or even astounding? The promise of each day is a never-ending cycle in our lives. But how often do we wake up and imagine that this day will yield an audio recording of Bill Shatner saying the phrase "bushy toupee"? Today is such a day...

The phrase in question is found in the audio version of Bill Shatner's 1993 book Star Trek Memories. Of course, Bill Shatner is not referring to his own toupee, but rather relating the story of how actor Walter Koenig was cast in Star Trek (The Monkees similarity, Pravda myths. bringing in a younger audience etc.) as the Russian ensign Pavel Chekov:

The key part in context:

In reality, the true motivating factor behind Star Trek's second season cast addition was The Monkees. You see, at the time Star Trek was beginning to amass its small but rather loyal following, The Monkees were exploding onto the television sets. These imitation Beatles quickly became a national phenomenon and fans of the Prefab Four were generally young, vocal and enthusiastic. Gene [Roddenberry] conjured up the character of Pavel Chekov as a close approximation of Monkees front man Davy Jones. Sure, Gene slapped a Soviet accent onto our new ensign, but one look at Chekov’s first episodes, and the bushy toupee he was forced to wear [until his real hair grew long enough], will illustrate the Monkee-mimicry point. Still, despite the silly coiffure, Walter eased his way onto the Enterprise bridge with a minimum of difficulty and his performances were full of life, energy and a remarkable sense of fun." [emphasis ours]

Now, to focus on the crucial phrase...

What's interesting here is that Bill Shatner wasn't forced to say "bushy toupee". It was his book, after all! He could have ignored or downplayed the hair point or just said something like "large wig". But instead he chose "bushy toupee" - a phrase that was certain to raise eyebrows across the globe. And only seconds later, he piles on with "silly coiffure" too.

Undertaking some toupological analysis of the key section of the audio recording, we find that Bill Shatner appears to say "bushy toupee" as matter-of-factly as he can. Fast, clinical, no stress, no emotion - "nothing to see here," he appears to be subconsciously saying. Indeed, the word "toupee" quickly morphs into "he" as in "toupee he was forced to wear" - another subtle sign that the author wants to zoom past this particular place as quickly and inconspicuously as possible.

Yet, the above is revealing in itself. One of the top toupologists at our Department of Psychotoupular Linguistics explains:

"The determined effort to not emote creates an unwitting subconscious tension in the words. Try saying matter-of-factly, 'today I cleaned up the house, went shopping, ran over the cat, returned a book to the library'. No matter how hard one tries to say 'ran over the cat' with a mundane intonation, there is an unavoidable tension in the words, because your brain simply knows how unusual that phrase is within the above matter-of-fact context."

Our staff using a specially designed touposcope to analyze the "bushy toupee" voice recording.

The toupologist continued: "Thus, Bill Shatner can't really say 'bushy toupee' matter-of-factly, because for him the toupee is such a hugely important object. But, he can pretend to say it matter-of-factly. Yet, in so doing, a tension dynamic is created that is itself revealing - and that is really what toupology is about!"

Star Trek Memories abridged audio version is widely available for purchase.

Shock and awe!

2011-07-18T08:05:00.010+02:00

As many of you will know, the staff at the William Shatner School of Toupological Studies devotes an extraordinary amount of time and energy to the important subject of William Shatner's toupees. And we suspect the same is true of our readers. Whether its hourly, daily or weekly, your professional and personal lives must also be balanced against the need to undertake your own toupological studies as well as assessing and critiquing ours. "Honey, dinner's ready!"

"Just a minute! I'm studying whether a 1958 photo of Bill Shatner is or is not toupless."

But just once, we wanted to provide readers with something that requires no academic or scholastic endeavor - only awe and wonder. It's entirely fake, of course (like Bill Shatner's hair). Yet one can't help but wonder if the words in the clips below really had been spoken, would the world's economies still be so sluggish? Would the Arab Springs still be taking so long? Would the Space Shuttle still have been retired? Listen and be inspired...

And one more...

Audio sourced here and here. Any other ideas for creative splicing, let us know!

UPDATE: A new two-part making of... video of Bill Shatner's upcoming album Seeking Major Tom has been uploaded by the album's producers featuring the first ever audio clips of some of the songs. Could be the event of the decade!

From "Bohemian Rhapsody":

...easy come, easy go,
A little high, little low,
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Is this a song about Bill Shatner coming to terms with the potential pitfalls of toupee-wearing?

UPDATE II: From a new The Atlantic interview on Bill Shatner being voted the undisputed King of Canada:

[Q:] If you were to become King of Canada, what are the first five commands you would issue to your Canadian subjects and why?

SHATNER: Off with his head, and his, and his, and his, and his.

Might another monarch say off with his toupee?

Columbo: "Butterflies in Shades of Grey" - a toupological analysis (and Columbo tribute).

2011-07-12T09:55:00.022+02:00

"Butterflies in Shades of Grey" is a 1994 episode of the revived post-70s run of Columbo. William Shatner serves as the special guest star, appearing in the series for the second time - the first being in the classic 1976 episode "Fade in to Murder".

Fielding Chase (William Shatner) is a suave but ruthless right-wing radio talk show host and also the head of a mini L.A-based media empire.

His adopted daughter Victoria (Molly Hagan), of whom Chase is extremely possessive, is an aspiring novelist - though she is keeping those aspirations secret from her father.

Gerry Winters (Jack Laufer), an investigative reporter working for Chase, meets secretly with New York literary agent Lou Cates (Richard Kline), who appears interested in one of Victoria's manuscripts. Winters' motivations in bringing fame to his friend aren't romantic (turns out he's gay), but rather he wants to free Victoria from her father's domination, and in so doing, cause his boss some grief.

The ongoing professional animosity between Chase and Winters explodes after an investigative assignment yields nothing; the boss, certain a potential story was missed, fires his unruly subordinate.

Victoria finally tells Chase her secret - that she has written a novel and that Winters is helping her get it published. Chase pretends to be delighted and offers assistance to his daughter. But in reality, he is deeply perturbed.

Literary agent Cates calls Winters and tells him that his publisher actually ended up hating the manuscript - but that the man is also an acquaintance of Chase's. Coincidence? Could the father have intervened to disrupt his daughter's budding career?

Winters confronts Chase with this accusation. Chase dismisses this as a lie, calling his daughter's ambitions nothing but a "pipe dream". Winters then accuses Chase of having a less than fatherly attitude; Chase slaps and threatens to kill him - in front of witnesses.

Victoria learns what her father did, but he persuades her that his intentions were not to possess her, but rather to help her career.

Meanwhile, Chase devises a plan to kill his nemesis. Arranging for Winters to telephone him at precisely 4pm, Chase's answering machine records the entire murder - a masterful alibi.

Chase is pretending to be at home listening in as gunshots are fired by an unknown assailant. In truth, he is killing Winters himself, while meters away on the other phone in Winters' house.

Chase then plants some evidence framing a former lover of Winters' as the murderer.

Enter Columbo...

That's where we'll leave the plot.

In a break from custom, we'll move straight to the hair next before we review this episode.

Star Trek: Generations (1994).

Considering the excessive thickness on display in Star Trek: Generations (1994), the TJ Curly seen in this episode (made around the same time) is something of an outlier. It's less dark, less curly, less long, less thick, the hairline less harsh - far more akin to latter stages of the TJ Curly around 1999, when it began to gradually morph into the "Denny Katz" style (more on this gradual morphing in a future post).

The toupee cliché about a dark rug betrayed by greying hair around the sides appears reversed here.

Unusually, here the toupee is actually greyer and lighter than Bill Shatner's real hair at the sides.

Evident in the background in several shots is the notorious "peeling toupee" photograph.

In this case, it is altered to include a mustache.

But perhaps most fascinating of all is another piece of artificial hair on display - a false mustache.

Not only is the mustache in question occasionally crooked, but it also seems to drastically change color during the episode.

Very light:

Very dark:

The toup too appears to change at times. Sometimes a little longer, sometimes shorter.

And in perhaps the only example of interesting direction in the entire episode, there is a brief shot that appears loaded with subtle toupological symbolism.

The spikes of hair represented by the glass - Bill Shatner is between these spikes; the real-haired Columbo is behind. Toupological symbolism?

So, what to make of the overall episode? The story, though rather convoluted, is not too bad; the murder and Columbo's solving of it is not too bad either. But the whole thing is frankly average at best. Nothing special. Rather unremarkable. Why? Something crucial is missing...

1970s Columbo.

Many of us at WSSTS are unabashed fans of the original 70s Columbo and regard it, without hesitation, as one of the greatest TV shows of all time. It was intelligent; it was non-violent; it was occasionally funny and it broke many accepted rules. This from a great article on how the series was formed, written by the series' creators:

Martin Landau with Peter Falk.

Our first scripts made their way to the network, and the response was not effusive: NBC had major "conceptual concerns" with our approach. How could we have made the terrible blunder of keeping our leading man offstage until twenty minutes into the show? Didn't we realize that Peter Falk was our star? The audience would expect to see him at once, and here we were perversely delaying his appearance. One of the executives called it, with considerable heat, "the longest stage wait in television history."

There were other complaints. What about this business about an unseen wife? And why a wife at all? Columbo should be free of any marital encumbrances so that he could have romantic interludes on occasion. Why hadn't we given him a traditional "family" of regulars? At the very least he should have a young and appealing cop as his assistant and confidante. And worst of all, the scripts were talkative. They should be enlivened by frequent doses of adrenalin in the form of "jeopardy."

There are only four responses a writer-producer can make to network suggestions: He can ignore them, he can cave in, he can argue, or he can threaten to quit. We opted for the last of these multiple choices.

Columbo keeps accidentally annoying an innocent old lady.

The above demonstrates that the fight to make something truly unique was at the heart of Columbo's greatness. But in addition to all of the above considerations of content, there was also a crucial aesthetic component. The 70s cinematography - sharp and very high-contrast film stock requiring a lot of light, with its very particular color relationships; this, plus the overall 70s aesthetic - the era of orange and yellow seat covers and minty green paint and still clean-looking post-war concrete architecture. That part made the city of Los Angeles itself seem strangely sleek and alluring (deliberately "mythical" according to Link and Levinson, the series' creators, as noted in the above article).

The airport, the hospital, the store, the chilli stand - Lt. Columbo inhabited a highly stylized and inviting 70s world. Even a trip to the supermarket seemed pretty cool...

There was also the direction - bold and distinct.

Often, murders would be filmed in highly abstract and stylized ways. Add to that the tremendous music (sadly, the series' soundtracks have never been released), full of recurring leitmotifs and diverse and distinctive instruments. Overall, Columbo's intellectual, wordy drama was balanced out by this aesthetic onslaught. Memorable. Re-watchable. Full of classic moments. Much like the original Star Trek.

A chess match with the great Tomlin Dudek brings nightmares.

So what if you took away the bold cinematography, direction, music and the overall awesome background of 1970s L.A. in addition to having an unremarkable script? You'd pretty much get "Butterflies in Shades of Grey." Some of the components are still there (though it is hardly believable that the great Columbo would not have been promoted or retired by the 1990s; his old battered car is also arguably a stretch too far), but these other crucial elements are missing.

Visually dull compared to the original series - "Butterflies in Shades of Grey".

Aesthetically speaking, the late 80s/early 90s were a pretty dire time for American television drama. Soft, pink-hued, red-biased cinematography, coupled with the styles of the times - shoulder pads, bad perms and all the rest of it. The era of lots of bad TV movies with names like Why Did She Die? The Jennifer O'Brady Story (we made that one up). Sometimes, old-fashioned stylistic boldness was even punished (see our piece on composer Ron Jones). TV, thankfully, eventually largely recovered from this aesthetic lull, with series like NYPD Blue and The X-Files leading the way.

Anne Baxter as actress Nora Chandler.

As for the content part (crucial - much 70s TV drama was pretty awful too), Columbo's drama harked back to the 1940s and its focus on the woes and wants of a post-revolution American aristocracy that had somehow managed to survive into the latter part of the 20th century. And what was Lt. Columbo in all of this? Disheveled, unpretentious, Zen-like - a stark contrast to all of that highly-strung decadence.

Columbo eats chilli.

On a more metaphysical level (yikes!!), Columbo perhaps also represented the human conscience itself. The murderers had committed terrible crimes. At that moment Columbo appeared, gnawing away at their repressed and self-destructive guilt - "just one more thing," he'd say, innocently irritating them beyond breaking point.

"Murder by the Book" directed by a young Steven Spielberg.

No matter how perfectly they planned their murders, how much they pretended to actually be helping Columbo find the real killer, how hard they tried to explain away his endless questions, their lives could never be normal again. And when they finally confessed, very stoically, in most cases their relief was palpable. The conscience, thankfully, won. Often the murderers were even likeable, charming people. Columbo, gallant as ever, would insist to the arresting cops that the handcuffs weren't necessary.

Ruth Gordon in Columbo.

70s Columbo had endless classic episodes (and only a handful of stinkers): the one with the twin brothers; the Nimoy one with the sutures; the chess one; Robert Vaughn on the cruise ship; Jackie Cooper as the senate candidate; the one with the sweet old lady (Ruth Gordon); the one with Ann Baxter as the archetypal diva; three episodes each for arguably the best villains Jack Cassidy and Robert Culp; the one where Columbo actually goes after his own boss; the one with Johnny Cash! The list goes on...

...and certainly includes Bill Shatner's classic role in "Fade in to Murder". But in that role, Shatner's character was tragic and complex, in need of salvation and forgiveness. Much more suited to Bill Shatner's acting and character. In "Butterflies in Shades of Grey" the murderer is really without any redeeming or even interesting qualities, and frankly, so is the episode.

Bill Shatner in 1976's classic "Fade in to Murder".

Irrespective of the merits of the revived Columbo (which ran sporadically between 1989-2003 and certainly had some strong episodes), the original series is undoubtedly iconic and was also a comfortable home for many equally iconic stars, including The Prisoner's Patrick McGoohan. Its star, Peter Falk, with his deep and unerring Leonard Nimoy-like protectiveness about the series' quality, passed away at the end of June after battling for several years with Alzheimer's disease. Falk had a varied career as an actor, but like Bill Shatner's Captain Kirk, he will always be remembered for his most famous role - that of the legendary Lt. Columbo.

Peter Falk (1927-2011).