Poll result and the trouble with Tom.

Our latest poll imagined a scenario in which Bill Shatner agreed to honestly answer one and only one question about his toupee-wearing. What would you ask?

Only one vote went to "Was hiding the lace line the biggest drawback of the 'Jim Kirk lace' "?; two votes went to "Do you consider the current "Denny Katz" as something of a perfect toup?"; three votes went to "Do you regret earlier blanket denials about your toupee-wearing?" and four votes went to "Which past toupee choice most makes you cringe?". 12% chose "Why not just admit that your hair isn't real?"; 14% chose "Was going curly in 1976 a mistake?"; 27% chose "When you first started going bald, were you fearful that it might hurt your career?" and the greatest number of votes, 30%, went to "Of all the toupees you've worn, which has been your favorite?". (And three votes went to "something else"-- please tell us your ideas!).

Thanks for voting!

The WSSTS complex.

Now onto another matter (one not related to the toupee - though maybe that's the problem!). Every week, some of our Shatner's Toupee staff take a walk around the huge William Shatner School of Toupological Studies complex, visiting the various departments and assessing the progress of countless research projects underway at any one time.


But recently, we were stunned to see so many glum faces among the ranks of even our most experienced toupologists. What was wrong? It wasn't long before we found the answer. The WSSTS had ordered several thousand copies of Bill Shatner's new album Seeking Major Tom. The intention was that staff might be inspired by it as they went about their work (and maybe even find some toupological references). Sadly, that's not what happened...

So we had a listen to the album and immediately sympathized with our bewildered, baffled and disappointed colleagues. To be blunt, we think this album stinks. It really is not very good at all. Much of the blame, we believe, lies with producer Adam Hamilton (pictured below). We'll try to explain why:

A total lack of musical creativity sinks Seeking Major Tom.

In terms of musicality - the wonder, nuance, magic, excitement, creativity, originality and all that music (as composition and arrangement) can conjure up and convey - this album, sadly, gets an F. A fail. A big fat fail. The use of synthesizers in so many songs in a tacky effort to replicate real instruments is one key reason for this. Why not use a real piano instead of a synthetic one that sounds like inoffensive shopping mall music?

Alright, perhaps there wasn't much of a budget. Only on occasion could real instruments be used (particularly with the numerous music legends that took part in the album).

But if you don't have a budget, then why not get really creative? Take a baseball bat to your computer terminal and start thinking outside of the box. Put Shatner inside a piano, see how that sounds; find some rare 1970s instrument and use that; invent a new kind of echo by sticking a microphone inside a milk bottle; call up some old sound effects guy who did Star Trek and borrow his homemade, still functioning who-knows-how-it-works gizmo...


Anything! That's what low budget should mean. More creativity not less! Thinking outside the box rather than surrendering to laissez-faire mediocrity.

Experimenting with sound. The Beatles with their producer George Martin.

Sadly, Major Tom sounds like the latter: creativity reduced to lazily sitting by a computer terminal, using standard settings, standard filters, standard techniques and ending up with what amounts to standard-sounding karaoke backing tracks. Seeking Major Tom should have been called Shatner Does Karaoke, because that's what it sounds like.


Even when real instruments are used, it's music that is so clean, so "correct" and "proper" that it ends up being completely soulless, like it went through a thousand "suits" who step by step robbed it of all that was remotely unique, risky and unconventional. And what of the truly incredible lineup of guest musicians from Zakk Wylde to Dave Davies? Totally wasted. What's the point of having creative people present but in no way asking them to utilize anything other than their technical talents?

How a low-budget production of a metal album could end up like that is truly, truly baffling. Was it laziness? Was it lack of creative thinking? Or was it just poor judgement?

"Whatever! It's Shatner, who needs creativity?"

Some of the behind-the-scenes footage released of the making of the album perhaps provides clues. Once you get over the "look at Shatner being silly" part, isn't there just a hint of a dominant atmosphere of rushed "whatever"? A sort of "Shatner will carry this and not too much effort otherwise will be required"?

Maybe the hope was that Bill Shatner himself is the lively, real, edgy component. Add whatever crap sound behind him and he'll make up for it. But that approach really just ends up turning Bill Shatner into a circus performer. A freak show. "Listen to this! Listen to Shatner sing 'Bohemian Rhapsody'". "Haa haa! Good laugh." "What the f--k is this?"

Shatner does karaoke - section from "Bohemian Rhapsody".

The essence of what makes Bill Shatner's music so amazingly weird but enjoyable is a not-quite-fully-defined combination of energetic earnestness and Bill Shatner's own eminently charming, yet also highly contradictory personality. The Transformed Man was the 1960s!!! (need we say more?). Has Been was sincere and deep and creative on the Shatner side and sincere and deep and creative on the musical Ben Folds side. Other performances, for example this...

...are both odd but also moving. They make Bill Shatner a sort of champion of the creativity of the silent non-mainstream. "Screw you, Britney!" it says, "We're the real artists and we demand to be heard!" And then there's Bill Shatner as the 80-year-old badass, whom we admire for just not giving a s--t and doing what the hell he wants to do:

But with Major Tom, a cardinal rule has been broken (keep it real). Sincerity has been diluted, while the freak-show "its all a joke" aspect has been placed in an uncomfortable central position carrying a load where creativity should be, but isn't. That is sad. And what a wasted opportunity. We wish it wasn't so but we really can't recommend Major Tom at all (though, to be fair some songs are better than others). It's really a struggle to listen to for more than a few minutes. Friends who don't know Bill Shatner much and marveled at Has Been are probably going to just scratch their heads at this and tell you what you probably already think: that it sucks...

If you disagree with the above, we are genuinely eager to hear a robust defense of Seeking Major Tom!! We'll end this piece on a high - "Common People" from the 2004 album Has Been:

UPDATE: Bill Shatner writes a letter to his younger self. Alas, no mention of his still lush (real) hair.