Do not forsake me, oh my toupee...

William Shatner and Majel Barrett-Roddenberry in the original series Star Trek episode "What Are Little Girls Made Of?"

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is a series we've barely, if ever, mentioned here at Shatner's Toupee for the fairly obvious reason that it has little direct connection, toupologically or otherwise, to William Shatner.

But there is one exception that we really couldn't resist bringing to you for its sheer allegorical power. The episode, from DS9's first season, is called "The Forsaken" and guest stars the late Majel Barrett-Roddenberry, wife of The Great Bird of the Galaxy and Nurse Chapel in the original Star Trek series. Here, she reprises her ST:TNG role as Ambassador Lwaxana Troi, managing to get stuck in an elevator with the shape-shifting Odo.

Lwaxana learns of Odo's discomfort in revealing that he has to revert back to his liquid form every sixteen hours. In order to make him more comfortable, she reveals that she wears a wig.

Once their ordeal is over, Odo asks for discretion in the matter that Lwaxana was able to witness.

Did Star Trek once again use the power of William Shatner's toupee to enhance its storytelling abilities? Was this a story that Majel Barrett herself wanted to tell, in some way reflecting back to her experiences with Bill Shatner in the original series?

Here's a slightly different retelling:

Imagine that after a Star Trek convention is some small American town, Bill Shatner and a female convention organizer (older than he) were heading away from the stage when the floorboards collapsed beneath them and they slid down into a disused mineshaft. The pair are trapped. It may take a week to rescue them.


Several days pass as the pair grow accustomed to their new circumstances. Sitting on the floor together, the woman begins to study the actor's hair.


"Is that hair real?"

Bill Shatner is shocked at the impertinent question. He pauses before answering cryptically "It is real in that it is me...it is not real hair."


The woman, never one for pretense, continues the uncomfortable line of questioning. "How do you do it? Your hair..."

"It took a great deal of time and experimentation before I found something I was happy with." His tone suggests he would rather that answer ended this particular conversation there and then.

The woman mouths "Oh" before inquiring "You studied hairstyles?"


The actor sighs. Evidently this woman isn't going to give up. "If you must know, I wore many different styles before I finally imitated the style of the man who was assigned to create my latest hairpiece."

Ed Katz

"You mean that's how your hair was created? In a laboratory?"

Bill Shatner's discomfort grows. "My hair did not grow up as you think of it. It was merely a transition from what I used to be - someone with real hair - to what I learned to become - someone without real hair, but with a toupee."


The woman is touched by the story. She shakes her head "Sounds very lonely to me."

The pair continue to talk, with Bill Shatner relaying with some bitterness how when he was first fitted with his "Jim Kirk lace" he became the life of the party for those in the know, always being asked to do party tricks to see whether the lace would remain in place or flip over.

The woman notices that Bill Shatner looks increasingly unwell, his head sweating, his hair flustered.


"I'm fine," he insists at first, but then a toupological convulsion sets in.


"You're not well at all," the woman says, now deeply concerned.

Bill Shatner turns to her. After a dramatic pause that seems to last an eternity, he says nervously "It's the toupee. I have to replace it every thirty days - it's like contact lenses; you can't keep them in for too long either. And this is day thirty!"


The woman puts her arms around Bill Shatner, noticing several places on his head where his "hair" is beginning to come unstuck; at the sides, his usually shaved real hair appears to be pushing off the toupee. The actor crunches up as his pain and unease grow.

*

Hours later...

"This is William Shatner to anyone who can hear me..." The exhausted actor sighs resignedly, realizing how futile his desperate calls are in this place beyond the reach of a cellphone signal. His back is turned to the woman; his toupee increasingly detached from his scalp. "Shatner out..." he says, closing the channel with an air of deflation.


"Bill, turn around," says the woman.

"I can't. It's beginning. The toupee is starting to peel off!"


"It's alright," she replies, trying to soothe Bill Shatner's worries.

"You don't understand. No member of the public has ever seen me without my toupee before!"


"Not even the toupologist who was assigned to create your toupee?"

"That was different. It was only research to him. "

"But you don't have to be ashamed with me."

"I'm not ashamed. My baldness is a private matter, that's all..."

"How can I make it easier for you?"

"You can't. I'm fine," groans Bill Shatner unconvincingly.


Staring out into the eternal nothingness, suddenly a strange object interrupts his tailspin of torment and lurches him back into reality.


He turns towards it and can't believe what had been thrust before his eyes. It is a wig. Her wig! "What's that?" asks Bill Shatner. Although the answer is already obvious, he nonetheless needs to hear the words.


"My hair," she replies. Bill Shatner, now entirely vulnerable and defenseless, turns toward the strange woman. "No-one has ever seen me like this," she smiles.


"Why? You're not bald."


"It looks ordinary. I've never cared to be ordinary. So you see Bill, even we non-toup-wearers have to change who we are once in a while."


"You are not at all what I expected," grins Bill Shatner.


"No-one's ever paid me a greater compliment."

The actor's head begins to shudder. It's time. "I...cannot...hold my...toupee...on...any...longer..."


"Let go," responds the woman gently "I'll take care of you."

Shaking and sweating, Bill Shatner finally lets go.


He peels the already half-detached toupee off his head and collapses in the woman's lap weeping with relief that the itchy, disintegrating hairpiece has finally been separated from his head.


The pain is over. The dying toupee lays discarded in the corner; the scalp is finally able to breathe again. The older woman smiles maternally at the bald man trembling before her.


*

Several days after they are rescued, (the woman had torn off a part of her skirt for Bill Shatner to wear as a bandana to conceal his head in front of the waiting press above) the pair meet by the mouth of the now safely fenced-off mineshaft in which they had had their shared experience.


"Well, I just wanted to say goodbye before I left for back home," says the woman.

Bill Shatner, now looking great again in a freshly applied toupee, quietly broaches the subject of the pair's intimate toupological experience.

"I know that what happened wasn't exactly what you had in mind when you came here for this convention."

"When it comes to conventions, all that really matters is the company," she replies graciously.

"About my toupee..." Bill Shatner mumbles quietly but directly "Your sensitivity and discretion are appreciated."


The woman gives him a knowing grin. "Next time you see me, I'll give you a lot more to appreciate!"


Bill Shatner smiles. The experience is over, and for all the toupological discomfort, he finds himself ruminating that the experience in the mineshaft may have been one of the most spiritual of his life. He looks up at his new hairpiece, gives it a knowing scratch just in the right place and says "Come on you, time for our next adventure."

***

The above is complete nonsense, of course. The awkward Odo is unlike Bill Shatner in many respects. Majel Barrett (who, as Nurse Chapel, wore a blond wig in Star Trek to try to conceal from NBC the fact that she had already played the little-liked "Number One" in the series pilot "The Cage") and Bill Shatner were, from what we understand, never particularly close. Yet, his toupee has an extraordinary way of sparking the imagination. And whether it was Barrett from whom this story sprung or some other sub-conscious channel, one thing is clear - in our post-Toupdustrial age, all true creative paths surely lead back to William Shatner's toupee!

"The Toupee Thinker" - image courtesy of Musée Rodin, France.

Poll result and variegated toupological miscellany.

Our most recent poll asked for your thoughts on the question of when - or if - Bill Shatner went fully Patrick Stewart-style bald.

Only one voter thought that this was only in recent times; 5% thought it was during the 1990s, while he was in his 60s; 10% thought it was during the 1980s, while he was in his 50s; 18% thought it was during the 1960s, while he was in his 30s; 28% said: "Never. There's probably still something on top, though not much." The most votes, 35%, went to the 1970s option, while Bill Shatner was in his 40s.

Bill Shatner circa 1972 - was he already fully bald underneath?

Thanks for voting! Now for the variegated toupological miscellany part...

Firstly, we have a truly incredible image - perhaps the defining image of our age - Bill Shatner looking knowingly at a bald eagle. Is he angry? After all, the bald eagle isn't actually bald. So why call yourself bald if you're not? Doesn't that do a disservice to people like Bill Shatner? Or is it only fair? Bill Shatner doesn't call himself bald and he is, so why not the other way round? Or was Bill Shatner angry because he moved to the US when he learned that its national symbol was the bald eagle - and then he discovered that it wasn't really bald.


The image was on sale at eBay (apparently it's from a 1971 documentary).

To make matters even more poignant, here's Bill Shatner in 2008 talking about the plight of this bird (using the word "bald" three times) and contrasting it to action on climate change. Perhaps he feels great affection and empathy with any creature who is labelled as "bald"!

Next, it seems that Bill Shatner is increasingly sneaking the word "hair" into almost every interview he undertakes these days. Is this part of a process to make the actor more comfortable with such matters? Or is he giving a nod - as politicians often do - to his base?

Firstly, we have a recent radio interview in which Bill Shatner talked to Howard Stern (with George Takei also present - the full interview can be heard in three parts here).

The debate shifts to that eternally fascinating question of why Bill Shatner, now both wealthy and well into his autumnal years, still works so hard. Stern then reveals that he only works three days a week. Bill Shatner asks what he does with the rest of his time before adding "Well, I mean, cut some hair...!" An interesting suggestion for one's free time. Does Bill Shatner use his free time to work on his hair?


And did Bill Shatner know that there are questions about Stern's own hair too?

Next, we have a recent interview between Bill Shatner and his daughter Lisabeth, in which Captain Kirk set the nerdosphere ablaze by claiming that Star Trek was better than Star Wars (full clip here). Once again, Bill Shatner manages to sneak the word "hair" into the mix:

In this case, the actor's statements are pretty ironic considering his own toupological history.

"God knows what those actors [in Star Wars] look like in reality with all those special effects. I mean, there's no telling what ILM did for those faces and those hairdos. They may have walked around with nothing on! ... We don't know! We don't know what they were like."

Image sourced here.

The above words really could not have more double-meaning. The same, of course, can be said for Captain Kirk in the original series. Can we ever truly appreciate what the Star Trek hair department did for Bill Shatner? When the cameras were off, he too could have been walking around without his toupee - and, well, we don't know!"


Some of you also noted some interesting idiosyncrasies of Bill Shatner's "Denny Katz" in the aforementioned clip.


Was the toup dyed or colored darker than Bill Shatner's real hair at the back of his head (we'd say the answer to that is probably yes)? And what's going on at the sides?


And, as some of you wondered, is Bill Shatner's hair undergoing another major shift - perhaps a return to a style more akin to the "Jim Kirk lace" (perhaps as part of lobbying efforts to be in the next Trek movie)? Or is he simply utilizing the "flexible booster pack" abilities of the "Denny Katz"?


According to our "Department of Toupological Alterations" which is responsible for maintaining its color-coded "Toupological Advisory System", the risk of a major hairstyle shift still remains low. Their advise, at present, is: "Remain calm but vigilant as there are some minimal signs that Bill Shatner would perhaps like to make his 'Denny' a little more 'Jim-like'".

"That guy next to me actually has hair but shaves it! What's the world coming to?"

Finally, as reader "Clayton Forrester" pointed out, talk-show host Craig Ferguson recently included a Bill Shatner toupee joke in his monologue.

Toupee joke around 2m 44s.

What makes this all the more significant is that this was just days after Bill Shatner appeared as a guest on his show. We doubt very much that there were any negative vibes during that appearance or malice intended during the latter. Rather, it appears that the opposite is true.


So does Bill Shatner welcome good toupological jokes, even in public, from his friends (so long as he isn't there directly)? Or has Ferguson committed a major faux pas?


Thanks, as always, to our readers for your endless tips!

Quintessentially lost...

Studying the various toupees from Bill Shatner's "Lost Years" period (1970-76) is a full-time job. Thankfully, we have hundreds of staff employed in just that very task! Which brings us to a recent picture we managed to dig up, though we don't know where it's from or on what date it was taken - though toupology can, at least, help us to zero in.


The toupological nadir of the "Lost Years" came between 1971 and 1974.

1970: Though technically no longer a lace frontal hairpiece, the "Jim Kirk" style still persists.

Sole Survivor (1970).

1971: The fashions of the times see male hair becoming increasingly longer, and Bill Shatner is no exception. But in terms of style, it's still arguably not too bad.

Ironside: "Walls are Waiting" (1971).

1972: The "Lost Years" period really takes off. Odd hairlines, excessive thickness etc.

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1972).

1973: Perhaps the absolute toupological low point. The word "toupee" itself almost ceases to become applicable, with "wig" seeming more appropriate.

Impulse (filmed in 1973).

1974-75: It starts off poorly...

Big Bad Mama (1974).

Land of No Return (1975).

...but some time during 1975, Bill Shatner's hair suddenly undergoes a truly drastic shift towards a more appropriate, stylish look - and one more akin to the "Jim Kirk lace".

On Geraldo Rivera's Good Night America circa '75 (a since-disappeared video listed this as 1974, but we think this may have been mistaken).

This trend continues. Bill Shatner is suddenly thinner, smarter etc.

The Tenth Level (1975).

This would thus tend to date the picture atop this page, with its extraordinary "high hairline" circa 1973-75. But as we often see, outliers can't be ruled out either.

By 1976, another rapid shift and the "TJ Curly" was born:

So what happened around 1975 that made Bill Shatner smarten up his hair, only to ditch this new look by 1976? We cant' know for sure, but we can present a theory:

Although Star Trek: The Motion Picture itself would not be made for a number of years, around late 1974, Bill Shatner may have heard the first rumors circulating that reviving Star Trek was seriously being considered by Paramount. Did these rumours cause the actor to tidy himself up should he get a telephone call?

When the calls did not come (the process of reviving Star Trek was rife with severe delays and false starts) and when Barbary Coast failed, was there a moment of crisis for Bill Shatner?

One night, standing on a bridge, weeping and filled with despair, did Bill Shatner suddenly tear off his new toupee and throw it into the river below? "To hell with Star Trek and to hell with you!!!" Captain Kirk, it seemed, would not come to the rescue after all. The new toupees, the weight loss, had all apparently been for nothing...

A revived toupee is thrown into a river.

Is that how the "TJ Curly" was born?

What did John Lennon do in 1969...


...as soon as it was clear that The Beatles were indeed splitting?


He cut his hair.

Faced with disappointment, Bill Shatner changed it. Who needed the technology of Star Trek? Bill Shatner and his new hair would now have their (video here) own:


And who needed The God Thing (the name of the aborted Star Trek TV movie Gene Roddenberry was working on)? By 1976, the new Bill Shatner had Mysteries of the Gods!


The "TJ Curly" may have thus been a belated version of...


And by the time Star Trek came knocking again, it would have to accept the new Bill Shatner - more on that in our upcoming ST:TMP full toupological analysis.

A ruffle and a scratch.

Imagine having crucial Bill Shatner-related toupological information in your head and not even knowing it: matters of texture, thickness, firmness and other invaluable tactile data. At the William Shatner School of Toupological Studies we have computer models, robots, toupee mockups and all manner of tools at our disposal to help us in understanding William Shatner's toupee-wearing.

A toupological experiment carried out on a "Turbo Shatner" robot at the WSSTS.

But nothing beats first-hand information.

"I agree!"

And that is what we find in footage (recently uploaded to YouTube by "zainin666") from a 1983 episode of Battle of the Network Stars - a series, which ran from 1976 to 1988 - in which celebrities compete in all manner of sporting events. Bill Shatner was something of a regular.


However, in this instance, and after a rather arduous inflatable kayak race, a (mock or semi-mock) argument breaks out among some of the competing celebrities - specifically Bill Shatner and none other than Mr. T - about the rules.


As this argument is unfolding, one of the competing celebrities sneaks up behind Bill Shatner and gives him a rather thorough hair ruffling.

A brief struggle ensues...


...with Bill Shatner swiftly pulling away his smiling co-star's hands from his toupee.


The moment in slow-motion:

Who is this bold celebrity? It's actor Edward Albert, most famous for his role in the terrific 1972 movie Butterflies Are Free.

Edward Albert and Goldie Hawn in Butterflies Are Free (1972).

Why did he do it? What did the toupee feel like? How did Bill Shatner react afterwards? Sadly, whatever crucial tactile and other toupological data Albert could have revealed has likely been lost forever. The actor passed away in 2006.

Mr. T (left), Edward Albert (center) and William Shatner (right).

Back to the scuffle! Moments later, having had his hair ruffled...


...Bill Shatner performs a subtle "Real hair reflex" action just to make sure everything is still alright up there:

What's rather extraordinary in general about the appearances by Bill Shatner in this series is that the actor found himself outside of the toupologically safe confines of the film set for an extended period of time - and in front of the public. What if something went wrong with the toup!?!


The likely reason for this, asides from Bill Shatner's risk-taking nature, is the added security provided the the "TJ Curly - phase II". With the toupee now anchored to real hair at the sides, it was far more secure and durable. Kayaking, wet hair, arguments with Mr. T - no problem!


Interestingly, the wetter the toup, the more realistic and less toup-like it appears.


And who is the interviewer/host?

Toup meets toup - a year before in 1982 (the toup down the sides is more noticeable).

Why, it's Howard Cosell - this legendary picture says it all:


You can watch a collection of Bill Shatner's appearances in Battle of the Network Stars courtesy of "zainin666" below: