Bill Shatner mentions his "hair" in new book Shatner Rules.

It was a moment many of us will never forget. News breaks that Bill Shatner has mentioned the hair in his new book Shatner Rules. For a while at least, collective concerns over global economic woes evaporate.


Just one example: a baseball match in the US, where as the major story makes its way, one person at a time, through the stadium, we witness spontaneous elation and patriotic shouts of "USA!".

What is this really? Sourced here.

Not long ago we conducted a poll asking readers about their honest hopes regarding Bill Shatner's toupological disclosures in Shatner Rules.


52% believed that Bill Shatner might make some coded references, but nothing overt. Is that what we have here? A coded reference, or is it much more? Is it perhaps yet another step in the actor's extraordinary toupological journey from absolute denial to full revelation? As many of you have observed, Bill Shatner seemingly wants to do this on his terms, his way. No pushing, no "gotcha" questions from the "lace-scream media". And what we have in this book continues that trend. And we can only marvel at being privileged to witness the latest chapter in this extraordinary journey.


Page 11 of Shatner Rules features a sub-section entitled "William Shatner's Roast Insults and Rebuttals" referencing the lampooning the actor endured during the 2006 Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner (including the arguably rather bitter-toned toupee-related material coming from George Takei).

(Our deep thanks to reader "Tintorera" for the tip and scans!)

On the following page comes this short Q&A:

Q:What is that on your head?

A: My hair is actually writing its own autobiography, Captain's Locks. I will reveal no spoilers in advance of publication.

A 2010 cover of USA Today - will one day the magnifying glass be moved up to the hair?

The brief exchange is extraordinary for a number of reasons. Firstly, it's important to underscore that this is Bill Shatner's own book - not an interview done in an uncontrolled environment. If this exchange is in it, it's because Bill Shatner wanted it there.

But what process led to its inclusion? Did co-writer Chris Regan ask the question or did Bill Shatner ask that it be asked? How well does Bill Shatner know Regan? Would this former The Daily Show writer really have felt comfortable bringing up a hair question by himself? "Hey, Bill can we do a hair question?" Icy stare.

"But I don't wear a hairpiece..." etc. etc. We doubt it. Bill Shatner had to make Regan know that permission was being granted; that it was OK to go there.


"What is that on your head?" - this is quite probably the first ever time in the history of mankind that Bill Shatner has acknowledged that the question is valid. What is that - as in "that thing" "that artifice" "that unnatural object". He's moved from asking the entirely rhetorical and one-sided "Do I wear a toupee?" to acknowledging that somebody else observing him could conceivably ask such a question; that his hair isn't so utterly convincing that to even ask him if it's a toupee would be "the stupidest question I've ever heard". That is a big step.

"Have I mentioned that I have a new book and CD out?"

"My hair is actually writing its own autobiography, Captain's Locks. I will reveal no spoilers in advance of publication." Bill Shatner then shows that he is continuing to lighten up over the whole baldness issue, having some fun with the fact that his toupees over the years have been so varied and so very fascinating, that an autobiography is entirely in order. If only Captain's Locks really were going to be the actor's next book!!

The end sentence "I will reveal no spoilers in advance of publication" is a brilliantly clever, and ever so slightly passive-aggressive, way of ending this particular conversation. "When it comes to my toupee, I'm in charge," Bill Shatner is saying, "and that's all you're getting (for now?)".

Now, as many of you will know, Bill Shatner has been all over the place lately promoting the aforementioned new book (and upcoming album). Which brings us to another rather amazing moment (thanks to reader "Thomas Jefferson Curly" for the tip!):

This is perhaps the greatest irony of Bill Shatner's toupee-wearing. It's actually gotten to the place where you have to know his hair isn't real in order to understand the rules of the road and avoid creating awkward moments like these. In a recent interview on a New York Fox affiliate, the poor female host apparently had no such idea, hence throwing Bill Shatner an innocent compliment about his "TJ Curly" years "I love you with the dark hair there," she interrupts:

Bill Shatner's reaction is priceless. His expression reveals shock, then a kind of "What is this - some sort of a hit job?" look (Bill Shatner misses seeing the image the woman was referring to) before finally settling into a rather meek "I don't know..."


In the spectator sport version of politics, one of the ultimate screw-ups for any candidate is the so-called "deer in the headlights" look. A politician is supposed to respond authoritatively to a given question or situation and instead they freeze up, revealing fear or uncertainty.


But Bill Shatner pretty much manages to avoid this fate with a skillful comeback worthy of JFK. After a several moments of uncertainty, the male host (perhaps sensing the awkwardness of the moment) interjects with "As you were saying..." but Bill Shatner has by then regained his composure and delivers a zinger: "I don't mind being interrupted by somebody who says you're looking good!" Phew!!


We'll take a closer look at Shatner Rules (including, as some of you have noted, some other more subtle hair references) at some point in the future and thanks, as always, for your tips and comments. For those of you eagerly awaiting our ST:TMP full toupological analysis, we're told it will definitely be published before the end of this month.

Shatner Rules is now on sale.

Do not forsake me, oh my toupee...

William Shatner and Majel Barrett-Roddenberry in the original series Star Trek episode "What Are Little Girls Made Of?"

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is a series we've barely, if ever, mentioned here at Shatner's Toupee for the fairly obvious reason that it has little direct connection, toupologically or otherwise, to William Shatner.

But there is one exception that we really couldn't resist bringing to you for its sheer allegorical power. The episode, from DS9's first season, is called "The Forsaken" and guest stars the late Majel Barrett-Roddenberry, wife of The Great Bird of the Galaxy and Nurse Chapel in the original Star Trek series. Here, she reprises her ST:TNG role as Ambassador Lwaxana Troi, managing to get stuck in an elevator with the shape-shifting Odo.

Lwaxana learns of Odo's discomfort in revealing that he has to revert back to his liquid form every sixteen hours. In order to make him more comfortable, she reveals that she wears a wig.

Once their ordeal is over, Odo asks for discretion in the matter that Lwaxana was able to witness.

Did Star Trek once again use the power of William Shatner's toupee to enhance its storytelling abilities? Was this a story that Majel Barrett herself wanted to tell, in some way reflecting back to her experiences with Bill Shatner in the original series?

Here's a slightly different retelling:

Imagine that after a Star Trek convention is some small American town, Bill Shatner and a female convention organizer (older than he) were heading away from the stage when the floorboards collapsed beneath them and they slid down into a disused mineshaft. The pair are trapped. It may take a week to rescue them.


Several days pass as the pair grow accustomed to their new circumstances. Sitting on the floor together, the woman begins to study the actor's hair.


"Is that hair real?"

Bill Shatner is shocked at the impertinent question. He pauses before answering cryptically "It is real in that it is me...it is not real hair."


The woman, never one for pretense, continues the uncomfortable line of questioning. "How do you do it? Your hair..."

"It took a great deal of time and experimentation before I found something I was happy with." His tone suggests he would rather that answer ended this particular conversation there and then.

The woman mouths "Oh" before inquiring "You studied hairstyles?"


The actor sighs. Evidently this woman isn't going to give up. "If you must know, I wore many different styles before I finally imitated the style of the man who was assigned to create my latest hairpiece."

Ed Katz

"You mean that's how your hair was created? In a laboratory?"

Bill Shatner's discomfort grows. "My hair did not grow up as you think of it. It was merely a transition from what I used to be - someone with real hair - to what I learned to become - someone without real hair, but with a toupee."


The woman is touched by the story. She shakes her head "Sounds very lonely to me."

The pair continue to talk, with Bill Shatner relaying with some bitterness how when he was first fitted with his "Jim Kirk lace" he became the life of the party for those in the know, always being asked to do party tricks to see whether the lace would remain in place or flip over.

The woman notices that Bill Shatner looks increasingly unwell, his head sweating, his hair flustered.


"I'm fine," he insists at first, but then a toupological convulsion sets in.


"You're not well at all," the woman says, now deeply concerned.

Bill Shatner turns to her. After a dramatic pause that seems to last an eternity, he says nervously "It's the toupee. I have to replace it every thirty days - it's like contact lenses; you can't keep them in for too long either. And this is day thirty!"


The woman puts her arms around Bill Shatner, noticing several places on his head where his "hair" is beginning to come unstuck; at the sides, his usually shaved real hair appears to be pushing off the toupee. The actor crunches up as his pain and unease grow.

*

Hours later...

"This is William Shatner to anyone who can hear me..." The exhausted actor sighs resignedly, realizing how futile his desperate calls are in this place beyond the reach of a cellphone signal. His back is turned to the woman; his toupee increasingly detached from his scalp. "Shatner out..." he says, closing the channel with an air of deflation.


"Bill, turn around," says the woman.

"I can't. It's beginning. The toupee is starting to peel off!"


"It's alright," she replies, trying to soothe Bill Shatner's worries.

"You don't understand. No member of the public has ever seen me without my toupee before!"


"Not even the toupologist who was assigned to create your toupee?"

"That was different. It was only research to him. "

"But you don't have to be ashamed with me."

"I'm not ashamed. My baldness is a private matter, that's all..."

"How can I make it easier for you?"

"You can't. I'm fine," groans Bill Shatner unconvincingly.


Staring out into the eternal nothingness, suddenly a strange object interrupts his tailspin of torment and lurches him back into reality.


He turns towards it and can't believe what had been thrust before his eyes. It is a wig. Her wig! "What's that?" asks Bill Shatner. Although the answer is already obvious, he nonetheless needs to hear the words.


"My hair," she replies. Bill Shatner, now entirely vulnerable and defenseless, turns toward the strange woman. "No-one has ever seen me like this," she smiles.


"Why? You're not bald."


"It looks ordinary. I've never cared to be ordinary. So you see Bill, even we non-toup-wearers have to change who we are once in a while."


"You are not at all what I expected," grins Bill Shatner.


"No-one's ever paid me a greater compliment."

The actor's head begins to shudder. It's time. "I...cannot...hold my...toupee...on...any...longer..."


"Let go," responds the woman gently "I'll take care of you."

Shaking and sweating, Bill Shatner finally lets go.


He peels the already half-detached toupee off his head and collapses in the woman's lap weeping with relief that the itchy, disintegrating hairpiece has finally been separated from his head.


The pain is over. The dying toupee lays discarded in the corner; the scalp is finally able to breathe again. The older woman smiles maternally at the bald man trembling before her.


*

Several days after they are rescued, (the woman had torn off a part of her skirt for Bill Shatner to wear as a bandana to conceal his head in front of the waiting press above) the pair meet by the mouth of the now safely fenced-off mineshaft in which they had had their shared experience.


"Well, I just wanted to say goodbye before I left for back home," says the woman.

Bill Shatner, now looking great again in a freshly applied toupee, quietly broaches the subject of the pair's intimate toupological experience.

"I know that what happened wasn't exactly what you had in mind when you came here for this convention."

"When it comes to conventions, all that really matters is the company," she replies graciously.

"About my toupee..." Bill Shatner mumbles quietly but directly "Your sensitivity and discretion are appreciated."


The woman gives him a knowing grin. "Next time you see me, I'll give you a lot more to appreciate!"


Bill Shatner smiles. The experience is over, and for all the toupological discomfort, he finds himself ruminating that the experience in the mineshaft may have been one of the most spiritual of his life. He looks up at his new hairpiece, gives it a knowing scratch just in the right place and says "Come on you, time for our next adventure."

***

The above is complete nonsense, of course. The awkward Odo is unlike Bill Shatner in many respects. Majel Barrett (who, as Nurse Chapel, wore a blond wig in Star Trek to try to conceal from NBC the fact that she had already played the little-liked "Number One" in the series pilot "The Cage") and Bill Shatner were, from what we understand, never particularly close. Yet, his toupee has an extraordinary way of sparking the imagination. And whether it was Barrett from whom this story sprung or some other sub-conscious channel, one thing is clear - in our post-Toupdustrial age, all true creative paths surely lead back to William Shatner's toupee!

"The Toupee Thinker" - image courtesy of Musée Rodin, France.

Poll result and variegated toupological miscellany.

Our most recent poll asked for your thoughts on the question of when - or if - Bill Shatner went fully Patrick Stewart-style bald.

Only one voter thought that this was only in recent times; 5% thought it was during the 1990s, while he was in his 60s; 10% thought it was during the 1980s, while he was in his 50s; 18% thought it was during the 1960s, while he was in his 30s; 28% said: "Never. There's probably still something on top, though not much." The most votes, 35%, went to the 1970s option, while Bill Shatner was in his 40s.

Bill Shatner circa 1972 - was he already fully bald underneath?

Thanks for voting! Now for the variegated toupological miscellany part...

Firstly, we have a truly incredible image - perhaps the defining image of our age - Bill Shatner looking knowingly at a bald eagle. Is he angry? After all, the bald eagle isn't actually bald. So why call yourself bald if you're not? Doesn't that do a disservice to people like Bill Shatner? Or is it only fair? Bill Shatner doesn't call himself bald and he is, so why not the other way round? Or was Bill Shatner angry because he moved to the US when he learned that its national symbol was the bald eagle - and then he discovered that it wasn't really bald.


The image was on sale at eBay (apparently it's from a 1971 documentary).

To make matters even more poignant, here's Bill Shatner in 2008 talking about the plight of this bird (using the word "bald" three times) and contrasting it to action on climate change. Perhaps he feels great affection and empathy with any creature who is labelled as "bald"!

Next, it seems that Bill Shatner is increasingly sneaking the word "hair" into almost every interview he undertakes these days. Is this part of a process to make the actor more comfortable with such matters? Or is he giving a nod - as politicians often do - to his base?

Firstly, we have a recent radio interview in which Bill Shatner talked to Howard Stern (with George Takei also present - the full interview can be heard in three parts here).

The debate shifts to that eternally fascinating question of why Bill Shatner, now both wealthy and well into his autumnal years, still works so hard. Stern then reveals that he only works three days a week. Bill Shatner asks what he does with the rest of his time before adding "Well, I mean, cut some hair...!" An interesting suggestion for one's free time. Does Bill Shatner use his free time to work on his hair?


And did Bill Shatner know that there are questions about Stern's own hair too?

Next, we have a recent interview between Bill Shatner and his daughter Lisabeth, in which Captain Kirk set the nerdosphere ablaze by claiming that Star Trek was better than Star Wars (full clip here). Once again, Bill Shatner manages to sneak the word "hair" into the mix:

In this case, the actor's statements are pretty ironic considering his own toupological history.

"God knows what those actors [in Star Wars] look like in reality with all those special effects. I mean, there's no telling what ILM did for those faces and those hairdos. They may have walked around with nothing on! ... We don't know! We don't know what they were like."

Image sourced here.

The above words really could not have more double-meaning. The same, of course, can be said for Captain Kirk in the original series. Can we ever truly appreciate what the Star Trek hair department did for Bill Shatner? When the cameras were off, he too could have been walking around without his toupee - and, well, we don't know!"


Some of you also noted some interesting idiosyncrasies of Bill Shatner's "Denny Katz" in the aforementioned clip.


Was the toup dyed or colored darker than Bill Shatner's real hair at the back of his head (we'd say the answer to that is probably yes)? And what's going on at the sides?


And, as some of you wondered, is Bill Shatner's hair undergoing another major shift - perhaps a return to a style more akin to the "Jim Kirk lace" (perhaps as part of lobbying efforts to be in the next Trek movie)? Or is he simply utilizing the "flexible booster pack" abilities of the "Denny Katz"?


According to our "Department of Toupological Alterations" which is responsible for maintaining its color-coded "Toupological Advisory System", the risk of a major hairstyle shift still remains low. Their advise, at present, is: "Remain calm but vigilant as there are some minimal signs that Bill Shatner would perhaps like to make his 'Denny' a little more 'Jim-like'".

"That guy next to me actually has hair but shaves it! What's the world coming to?"

Finally, as reader "Clayton Forrester" pointed out, talk-show host Craig Ferguson recently included a Bill Shatner toupee joke in his monologue.

Toupee joke around 2m 44s.

What makes this all the more significant is that this was just days after Bill Shatner appeared as a guest on his show. We doubt very much that there were any negative vibes during that appearance or malice intended during the latter. Rather, it appears that the opposite is true.


So does Bill Shatner welcome good toupological jokes, even in public, from his friends (so long as he isn't there directly)? Or has Ferguson committed a major faux pas?


Thanks, as always, to our readers for your endless tips!